He is good-looking and you are not. He fell in love with you and swept you off your feet. Years into the marriage you feel insecure as he grabs female attention. Shama Sheikh offers eight confidence boosters to reinforce your self-worth and understand that you are beautiful
We are all guilty of it; we spot an extraordinarily handsome man with an ordinary looking spouse and we go, “Hey, what did he see in her?” And add to this, is the acknowledged phenomenon of women throwing themselves at the good-looking spouse, rationalising that as the partner is not so attractive, they must be fair game. How does this affect the partner who had got the short end of the stick in the looks department? More importantly, how does this affect their relationship? And most of all, what if you are that partner, the one with average looks married to a really handsome man? How do you cope with the inevitable insecurity, and how can you ensure that your marriage survives?
Men are different
Interestingly enough, research shows that relationships where the woman is physically more attractive than the man are happier than ones where the man is more attractive than the woman. There is a physiological and biological basis to this. It boils down to how men and women are hardwired for reproduction. While men are programmed to spread their seeds far and wide amongst as many willing wombs as possible, women are meant to look for one long-term provider who can care for them through their pregnancy and through the early years of the child’s life and provide for them. Men seek to ensure that the offspring produced by the union is theirs by seeking a long-term partner, staying with her and jointly investing in the care and upbringing of the child as per social norms. Or if they don’t want to take responsibility, they do not get into exclusive relationships but instead have as many partners as they can. Studies do show that the more attractive the man, the more are the chances that he will have relationships outside the exclusive monogamous relationship of a marriage.
The insecure spouse
Social capital, in the form of good looks, fame, power or wealth is generally considered attractive to women. So, what does this do to a woman who is the partner to a very handsome spouse? For one, it does make her terribly insecure. Let’s admit it; our society is hyper-aesthetic. Looks are placed at a premium. We find it difficult to accept a pairing where the couple does not seem matched looks-wise. There will always be snide remarks as to the ‘real’ reason why the couple got married. If it is an arranged marriage, a hefty dowry would be hinted at; if a love marriage, straight out disbelief as to what could make a good-looking man fall for a not-so-attractive woman. Sonia Jairath (name changed) is an attractive, dusky lady married to a light- complexioned, light-eyed man. Theirs was an arranged marriage. “What really hurts is when we meet up with friends, some of my friends don’t hesitate to flirt openly with my husband when I am right there. While he is pleasantly polite and doesn’t encourage it, I can’t help feel it is dismissive of me.
It does make me feel a little insecure. What if he decides to take them up on their implied offers? It does lead us to having more fights than we should on such an issue.”
Sonia finds herself getting increasingly suspicious of any late hours at work and phone calls, and even ends up trawling his SMSes and hacking his social networking account. “I am ashamed of what I did,
but it was like suspicion had overpowered me. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” Sonia’s reaction is common.
Here’s what the experts advise if you are married to an attractive man.
- Work on your self-esteem
Looks are not everything. Surely there are things about you that are attractive; it could be your intelligence, your sense of humour, your expertise in your field, your caring nature. Stop defining yourself by your looks and appearance. There is nothing more attractive than a woman with oodles of self-confidence. - Be transparent in your interaction
Build your relationship with your spouse on trust and mutual respect as well as absolute honesty. - Keep yourself well groomed at all times
While you may not be able to do much about the looks you were born with, being well groomed and in good shape physically is half the battle won. If you are fit and healthy and well presented, you boost your self-confidence. - Don’t be clingy, whiny, and suspicious
It’s imprudent to constantly seek reassurance from your spouse that he finds you attractive. By constantly pointing out your flaws, you’re going to keep bringing them to his notice, ending up making them stand out in his mind. By being constantly suspicious, even when he isn’t cheating on you, you might just drive him to cheat. Stop the negative self-talk. - Focus on your good points
Find something you are good at and concentrate on enhancing it, as a hobby or at work. When you achieve something you build up your own self-confidence. Self-confidence and passion for something or the other are very important. And also, when you are absorbed with something,
you have less time to fret about other things. - Find common ground
Do what you and your spouse enjoy doing together and share a passion for. Make it a bonding point between the two of you. Whether it involves art and culture or the great outdoors, or even doing activities with the children as a family, make this ‘together time’ precious and fun. - Work as a team
Know that marriage is a partnership and you are a team and what you bring to the table is more than just looks. Believe in yourself as a person chosen by your spouse for his own reasons and respect those reasons. - Have faith in your spouse
Trust, faith and belief are tough to break and trusting your spouse not to cheat can stop him if he ever is tempted to. He is with you because he’s seen something in you beyond the mere physical, which he loves and which excites him and which is more permanent. You are beautiful to him. Trust his love.
