Is sex a sore issue in your marriage? Are you off sex with your partner due to a setback—an illness or plain boredom—that has left you wondering how to do ‘it’ and when? Meri Saheli offers you sensible solutions to turn the heat on in your bedroom
A dreamy and romantically-inclined Ananya was quite excited about her sex life before marriage. But a few years down the marriage, the picture has changed completely. Today, she hardly gets the time to talk to her husband, leave aside sharing an intimate moment with him! All this, thanks to working round-the-clock in a joint family and raising two kids. Mumbai-based Suchi and Rajat are both working and married for five years now. With travel and work taking up a huge chunk of their time, they have no time or energy for sex. In both the instances, though the partners are deeply fond of each other, there’s a setback in their sex life.
Sex is not for us
There are various surveys that prove that sex heals anxieties and negativities. Interestingly, while partners share a smooth and compatible relationship with each other, the camaraderie goes missing when sleeping time arrives. “Couples who fight a lot, have low compatibility, face social problems or have issues linked with money and children, naturally have less intimacy between them,” asserts Dr Rajan Bhonsle, Consultant in Sexual Medicine and Counsellor. “These are couples who earn well and have no extra-marital affair. But when they’re at home, they don’t feel like approaching each other. In fact, they might not share any intimacy for months at a stretch,” he informs. Such couples should sort out their differences, if necessary, with the help of a counsellor and not bring their work stress to the bedroom, suggest experts.
But I’m pregnant
Priya Seth and her husband shared an amazing equation in bed. But, when she realised she was expecting, the intimacy nosedived. “We didn’t have sex in the initial months. After that, we did have sex sometimes, but eventually stopped doing so when the third trimester began,” says Priya. Fortunately, Priya and her partner were bang on, when it came to their abstinence during her pregnancy. “Avoid having sex when it bleeds and when the placenta is low on the uterus,” says Dr Sangeeta Agrawal, Obstetrician and Gynaecologist. “In the first three months of pregnancy, the embryo is implanted in the uterus,” says Dr Bandita Sinha, MD, Fortis Hiranandani Hospital, Mumbai. “In the last trimester, it is risky to have sex; otherwise, there are chances of an early delivery,” she says. “All of this depends on the progress of the pregnancy and the complications a woman can have,” warns Sinha. “From the fourth to the seventh month of pregnancy, the couple can have sex but need to take extra precaution,” she says.
Baby rush!
After Priya delivered a baby, her quiet nights turned into a chaos. A woman in this condition expects her husband to help the child sleep or keep the child entertained at the least. And sex can go off the to-do list. “The number of times we used to have sex went down immensely,” says Priya. “I used to busy breastfeed my child and had hours of sleep to catch up on,” continues Priya. It’s important to consult a gynaecologist before resuming sexual relations post delivery, especially, if there have been complications. “Whether the baby has been delivered through a normal or a caesarean delivery, a couple has no reason not to have sex. It depends on their desire and the foreplay,” believes Agrawal. Although they can face difficulties because of many reasons, which they need to address. “After a normal delivery, there’s a cut in the vagina. It takes at least four weeks for the cut to heal and for the discharge to stop,” says Sinha. “Many think that until the baby turns one, they should not indulge in any kind of sexual pleasure, which is not true,” she adds, “even when the mother is breastfeeding her child, she can get intimate with her husband. But don’t forget precautions!” But not all women feel charged up to have sex while the baby is growing up. There are women who are stressed and unaware of the changes their bodies go through. They could have hormonal problems or just mood swings. “Problems like anaemia, thyroid, diabetes, low libido or less desire can be reasons which might stop them from having sex,” says Agrawal. Additionally, couples who need to walk an extra mile to fight infertility and miscarriages can find it tricky to keep enjoying the steamy moments. That, however, is just a fleeting mindset. “If you constantly experience a low libido, then you need to visit a consultant,” warns Agrawal.
Not on my priority list
After having a baby, parents are faced with a lot of issues connected to the child’s upbringing. All through the child-rearing years, some couples keep their sex life a priority while others allow their libido to dip. “At such times, the stress hormones of the body can suppress your libido or dampen sexual desire,” says Bhonsle. Many are unaware of the existence of these ‘stress hormones’. Men and women, who don’t feel like having sex, keep going without any sensual love, as much as they can, and choose not to consult ever. What they don’t understand is that counselling can help them diagnose the cause and deal with it. Sex can take a backseat due to a whole range of problems—physical and emotional. “A person can have hormonal problems, diabetes, high cholesterol, or other problems for not having a sexual desire,” says Bhonsle. “And how to treat the problem depends on the case. It can be treated naturally or through medicines,” he adds.
Unexpected trouble
Rakesh was an extroverted intellectual with a crisp memory. He also had a healthy sex life. But when he met with a life-threatening accident, his brain was severely damaged. Though after a major surgery and years of treatment he could go back to his textile business and do well at it, he was, in many ways, a changed man. He turned shy and withdrawn and avoided sex. Luckily, a holiday with his wife turned the tide. The change of location, the privacy and the break from work helped rekindle the passion in him. The time spent alone with his wife after the setback worked wonders for their relationship.
There are times when serious treatments go on for more than a decade. Babita Mehta’s time in France was heavenly, until her husband Raj suddenly slipped into coma. The couple had to return to India immediately. Once the journey of Raj’s recovery began, sex naturally got struck off the list. “It is not a rule that a marriage can’t survive without sex. You should be patient, and wait till normalcy returns,” says Bhonsle. “Deal with it, and stop being disappointed,” he adds.
As they go through life, a couple may find the sex drive rising or dipping, according to circumstances, moods, emotions. What is important is to remember that to keep a relationship going, love and sensitivity towards each other are paramount. Being compassionate, patient and understanding when one partner is having a setback, only serves to strengthen the relationship. Where there is love, passion and sex will follow.
(Some names have been changes, to keep their privacy intact.)
