To help you deal with relationship uncertainties, Priya Chaphekar speaks to a few experts who tell you when to press the pause button, while highlighting the common red flags that indicate things probably are not going to work out.
Recounting her story, 30-year-old Guest Relations Executive Pranali More, who recently filed for divorce, shares, “There technically wasn’t a stand-alone reason for the split. Break-up is a gradual process. There are crevices which begin to appear with time, and if not heeded to, become irreparable cracks that lead to the whole structure falling apart. We had our fair share of ideological and fundamental differences; not to forget the six- year age gap.” Over the time, Pranali started spotting the red flags that were damaging the relationship on a fundamental level. Pranali’s break-up was an amalgam of many things. “With different wants from life such as ambitions, approaches, headstrong personalities and no common goals, our conversations dried up and we could no longer relate to each other.”
What’s the reason?
Different couples break up for different reasons such as emotional and sexual incompatibility, weird sexual fantasies, extra-marital relationships and financial issues. “The most common reason why couples part ways is the unwillingness to accept the difference in priorities that eventually lead to ego-clashes. Other common reasons are unreasonable expectations, over-possessiveness and failed promises. Lately, there have been a lot of cases wherein the immediate family creates differences between them and encourages them to split up, which is quite surprising,” says Dr Manvi Malhotra, Co-founder, Happybeing.io, and Founder, The Counsellors Clinic.
The fundamental lack of common interests or values between the two people often results in a lack of ‘glue’ in the relationship. “Partners reach a breaking point when they go through a time of financial downside or crisis—an episode that generates a serious trust deficit like infidelity,” reveals Nidhi Jain, Pranic Healer and Founder, The Ochre Tree. When money gets tight, people start fighting for trivial things and the stress between them increases manifold, leading to separation. “Sometimes, people break up for reasons best known to them such as an obsession over a particular fault or lack of skill set in the other which they cannot seem to be able to deal with. I recently happened to counsel a man who wanted to leave his wife of four years because she had developed a serious OCD. She used to take a bath 10 to 12 times a day and force him to do the same,” Jain quips.
Take a break
Remember the F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode in which Rachel suggests Ross that they take a break? Well, we all reach a point where we need to step aside from each other for a while. But before that, it is crucial to understand the difference between a break and a breakup. A break still demands a sense of commitment, and it should not be considered an escape to avoid conflicts.
A break is often a welcome respite from a turbulent relationship. It not only helps clear your head and settle the internal confusion but also urges you to analyse the situation, while providing a valuable space for self-discovery and evaluation. “Constant connectivity leads to a lack of space between couples, which tends to substitute their individual identity with a joint identity. Before hurriedly jumping the gun, take some time off from each other and weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. This will help you kick-start the relationship on a fresh note. You will become stronger and more flexible. You’re more willing to change, adapt and adjust,” points out Anastasia.
Getting the right advice
The desire to be happy has become a priority. As a result, couples are not flinching to get out of a turbulent, unhappy or abusive marriage. “The shift to nuclear families has changed so many things. Today, girls are given the best of education. Lest such a situation arises, they’re allowed to return to their maternal home or are capable to live independently. YOLO or ‘You Live Only Once’ is the mantra of the day, so people don’t think twice before moving out of a dead marriage. They don’t want to deal with that kind of stress anymore,” says Anastasia. She suggests separation only in case of stark personality differences. “Whenever a session is scheduled, a seasoned counsellor will always speak to the couple together. As counsellors, we are supposed to present all the cards and let the couple take a call on their relationship,” she adds.
Pranali, along with her husband, sought counseling to see if the two could be assertive and not aggressive while talking to each other. “I had major challenges in speaking my mind out. In hindsight, the intent behind seeing the counsellor was good but very poorly planned. We consulted a brilliant clinical psychologist who strengthened both of us at our core individually. But she wasn’t a marriage counsellor. Yes, the two are very different. Ours only emphasised on how toxic we had become for each other, instead of trying to bring us together,” she recalls.
Whether it is through social media or in person, today’s world is fraught with negativity. This negativity puts us under pressure to make our lives look happening all the time. “Hanging out with people undergoing bad relationships can put one’s own relationship under the scanner as well. Also envy, jealousy and selfishness are so much common nowadays that these bad vibes affect the relationship too. If we don’t know how to protect ourselves or our relationships from these bad vibes, they are bound to go through testing times,” warns Nidhi.
Cry me a river
Losing someone marks the end of a relationship. Therefore, the mind has to go through a process of emptiness and grieving. “Allow the grieving to happen. Many people refuse to cry and often distract themselves with retail therapy, alcohol or drug dependence.
The grieving process begins with crying. Cry to your heart’s content because it’ll only make you stronger eventually. People these days have forgotten how to cry. Shedding tears makes one feel free, light and happy; it helps to make space for newer experiences and move on to the next phase,” concludes Anastasia.
Ask yourself
- Where are the differences/misunderstandings rooting from?
- Are you communicating well with your partner?
- Do you feel loved and do you make your partner feel loved?
- How would you deal with the world after the divorce?
- After the separation, how would you handle your own emotional breakdown?
