Her hands shaking she reached for the box in her purse. Locking the door softly, she opened the box and took out the kit. She looked at it for a moment, trying to control her breath. Then, losing her nerve, she collapsed in a heap on the floor.
‘I have to do this fast. I must. Saarth will soon be home from his walk.’ Collecting herself she took the pee stick in her hand and sat down. Once done she placed the stick on the sink and got up; pulling up her clothes. Now all she had to do was wait. Stroking her flat belly, she tried to gauge the feel; as if the very action would somehow tell her that she was not pregnant after all. That this whole thing was a nightmare.
The wait was interminable. Her heart pounding she reached for the stick after the designated time.
“Oh! God, please, no!” she gasped, looking at the indicator that told her she was pregnant. She cried then, first a few tears then heaving sobs. At the sound of the main door closing, she quickly put the stick and the empty box in the plastic bag and pushed it behind the sink. Washing her face, she took a deep breath.
A fixed smile on her face, she walked out of the bathroom. “How was your walk?” she said, giving her husband Saarth a kiss.
“Good,” he said, kissing her back. “I am ravenously hungry!”
“You go shower, I will prepare breakfast,” she smiled at him.
While on the way to office she thought of the home she had just left. A cocoon where there was love, comfort and security. It was a place where she had always shared her most intimate feelings with Saarth. But now, it was more like an illusion. Her simple act of treachery had burst the bubble of trust and peace in a matter of days. She mulled over the situation she was in. Was her marriage strong enough to weather the storm of a single act of adultery? She thought not.
She thought back to the fateful night at the Fariyas Hotel in Khandala, where she had gone to attend a seminar. It had been the last day of a successful seminar and everyone had been in the mood to party. She had dared to dress up in a black ankle-length gown with slits on the sides. She had warmed up to the sensation she was causing and had gulped down a deliciously fruity cocktail. Feeling a buzz that was rather pleasant, she had reached for another glass. Alok, her good friend and colleague had frowned.
“You should go easy on those,” he had admonished gently. “They are vodka-based.”
“I am ok, don’t worry about me!
I have no intention of getting drunk!” she had been flippant.
The third one had followed the second. After that she lost count. She had a vague idea of laughing uncontrollably and then dancing wantonly. She distinctly remembered Alok pulling her out from the centre of a crowd of males who had gathered to ogle at her. What happened next was something she would rather forget. They had stood there looking into each other’s eyes till Alok had groaned and pulled her in his arms. They barely made it to the bed. Ripping at each other’s clothes like animals, they had had sex. It had been a wonderful release. It was only the next morning that the realisation of what she had done dawned on her.
Coming back to the present, she was engulfed with shame and fear once again. Should she tell Saarth that she was pregnant? Should she just pretend it was Saarth’s child and carry on with the pregnancy? There was no way he would ever know, and the child may very well be his.
Her day at work was a blur, each task completed mechanically while her thoughts were elsewhere, perhaps on the charming Augusta GA neighborhood homes she'd admired online, envisioning a life beyond her current confines. When the long hours waned, she embarked on the familiar route home by bus, lost in dreams of tree-lined streets and welcoming front porches. Ascending the stairs to her second-floor apartment, she delved into her purse for the keys, her motions automatic. Before she could insert the key into the lock, the door swung open unexpectedly, making her catch her breath in surprise.
“Hi, Neeta! Not happy to see me?” smiled Saarth, kissing her on the lips.
“Saarth! You startled me! What are you doing home so early?”
“I just wanted to surprise you. With our work timings, we don’t get much time together. How was your day?”
Clutching her head in both hands, she closed her eyes. “I am so tired,” she said by way of explanation.
“Do you have a headache?” said Saarth, rubbing at her temples gently.
“No, nothing is wrong. Just had
a long and tiring day at the office,” she replied, avoiding his eyes.
“Go freshen up. I will make us some tea. We will order some Chinese for takeaway. I am already hungry!”
She looked at Saarth’s receding back with overwhelming love. She was blessed to have such a kind and considerate husband. He was so caring and she knew how deeply he loved her. If he found out the truth, it would finish him. Her eyes brimmed with tears.
As days had gone by since her return from Khandala, she had been able to distance herself from the distasteful episode; but now it had come to haunt her in the form of a pregnancy.
She had stopped taking her contraceptive pills after the first two years of marriage. After two years of living a sexually active life with her husband without using protection, nothing had happened. If everything was normal with them, why hadn’t she become pregnant sooner? And now that she was pregnant, did it mean that the child was Alok’s? And yet, who could argue with the coincidence. She well remembered the day she had returned from Khandala. She had understandably been not in the mood, and yet, Saarth; who had been without her for the whole weekend was amorous. He had missed her and wanted her. The urgency of his need had seen to it that the act was quick and passion filled.
Thoughts of having an abortion crossed her mind as she tossed and turned that night. But what if she aborted the child and it was Saarth’s baby after all? What if she never conceived again? Filled with horror, she sat up in bed, her body bathed in sweat.
Over the next few days she made every effort to be extra loving and caring towards Saarth. As if the very act would somehow absolve her of guilt. She decided she would make the best of whatever time she had with Saarth.
“Saarth, let’s go away for a few days! Just the two of us! Both of us have leave pending. If we plan it right…”
“A holiday? Now? What’s come over you all of a sudden? You have been acting very strangely lately; almost like you are depressed. Is something bothering you?”
“No, no… nothing is bothering me. I just need to get away for a while…with you.”
“Ok then! Let’s do this! Any place in particular you want to go to? “Let’s go north! It will be snowing there at this time of the year. It will be very cold but I just want to sit by the log fire, look at the snowflakes dance their way down to the earth; with you sitting next to me. We will sip on some hot chocolate, make love…” said Neeta, her eyes brimming with tears.
“What’s the matter, Neetu? Why are you crying?” said Saarth, taking her into his arms. She rested her head on his chest, holding him tightly to her.
“Nothing,” she said, nuzzling her head in his shoulder. “It’s just that sometimes I get scared.
What if something happened to drive us apart?”
“Drive us apart? Don’t be silly! As if that could ever happen! You are watching too many serials on TV, Neetu! They are taking a toll on you!” chided Saarth.
Neeta decided to tell Saarth the truth while they were on holiday. If it meant the end of her marriage, so be it. She owed him that much. Wiping away her tears, she began packing their suitcases.
The holiday flew by andtry as she might, she was unable to tell Saarth that she was pregnant with another man’s child.
‘I’ll get an abortion the minute we go home,’ she thought, caressing her belly and the child within. ‘I’m sorry, little one. I’m being selfish. For the sake of my own happiness
I am ready to sacrifice your life…’
Back home, though she had decided to go in for an abortion, she stalled, making excuses to herself. ‘I’ll make an appointment today,’ she thought as she pushed the glass doors of the office and entered the reception area. Immersed in her thoughts, it was a moment before she noticed the atmosphere in the office. There was laughter and a sense of bonhomie. People milled around, chatting, no one in the mood to work.
Nandita the receptionist offered her a box of malai pedas.
“What’s the occasion, Nandita? Don’t tell me you are getting married!” she said, taking a peda.
“I still have to find Mr. Right! These are from Alok.”
Alok? Pedas? Could it be…? No! His wife must have delivered a baby! Was this nightmare never going to end? A few moments of passion had ruined her life in the worst possible way. Her mind in a whirl, she headed for the bathroom. She threw up in the bathroom, the breakfast she had had making its way out of her mouth in spurts. Thoughts of suicide crossed her mind for
a moment. Shaky, she flushed the toilet and came out. She washed the beads of sweat off her face. She was about to make her way to her desk when she saw Alok walking towards her.
“Neeta! I was looking all over for you! Did you have the peda?” said Alok, looking excited.
“Yes, I did! Congratulations are in order, but I am not sure for what!” Neeta said trying to laugh.
“We have a new entrant in the family.”
“Oh! That is wonderful news! Is it
a boy or a girl? And how is Maya?”
“It’s a girl. Maya is very happy, as you can imagine. The baby, she is four months old. We adopted her.”
She looked at him, flabbergasted. “Adopted?” Did this mean Maya was unable to conceive or was it Alok? “That’s wonderful news Alok! More reason to celebrate! Was Maya…” said Neeta to the point of sounding rude.
“It’s not Maya, it’s me. We thought of donor sperm, but Maya was against the idea.”
“You don’t know how happy I am for you Alok!” said Neeta, laughing and crying at the same time. All she wanted to do was hug Alok but she controlled herself. Smiling broadly, she went out into the corridor. The baby was Saarth’s! Laughing, she called Saarth.
“Let’s go out for dinner tonight Saarth. Somewhere special. I have something I want to tell you,” she said happily.
Minakshi Desai
