You are in a place where you want your child to be on his best behaviour. Unexpectedly, he throws
an impossible to bear tantrum, dismaying and embarrassing you, and rendering you helpless.
Neelima Vinod equips mothers with smart and effective ideas to deal with their kids’ short outburst
of unreasonable behaviour
Picture this: you are in a long queue in the supermarket. You’ve got everything on your list. But wait a minute, why are you looking so helpless? You’ve forgotten something—the long list your five-year-old son expected you to buy. Your son nags, complains, makes a ruckus, pulls at your clothes, throws things out of the supermarket trolley; you want to react and you know that when you do, your son will only cry more.
All of us mothers have gone through the impossible tantrum—in a supermarket, fine dining restaurant, clinic, neighbour’s house, etc at some time or the other. The child who throws a tantrum throws life out of
gear for the parent and the child himself.
WHY THEY THROW TANTRUMS
The best way to tame the tantrum is to understand why such innocent creations can suddenly turn into such unpredictable shrieking Shreks. Children use tantrums as a communicative tool to reach out to their caregivers.
Hunger, thirst and lack of sleep: If the child experiences fatigue on account of any of these, then tantrums are a natural outcome. That’s easily curable.
Independence: Try to understand the world from your kid’s perspective—he thinks that he’s got everything figured out and the next thing you know he’s struggling with his shoelace. This can be frustrating.
Clever ploy: Kids always want to get what they want. They manipulate adults and turn them emotional hostages to get what they want when they want it. The question is how far will you let your child turn manipulator?
Distress: If a child has legitimate reasons to be upset, a tantrum is self-expression at its most desperate. The child may be bullied in school, ignored or unsettled by relationship issues around him. A child also worries—he is not immune to the stress that is created around him. Physical distress like colic in babies can lead to discomfort. A tantrum then acts as a frustration vent.
Rage: A child can suffer from extreme emotions. Psychologists have observed that children can experience most emotions in their complete aspect by the age of six. If a child is abused by his own parents, then the rage his parents display becomes a part of his own personality. Rage can also be the result of too much strictness at home or school and the subsequent repressed emotion.
Attention: All the crying and puppy-dog eye looks are for attention. If the parent does not look the child’s way, others surely will. The child is in a win-win situation either way.
Penalty prevention: Tears can avert punishment and speed up rewards even when these are not required. Many children resort to shrieking when they know that their relentless screaming will make their parents weak in the knees.
WHEN TANTRUMS OCCUR
Time: Some children express irritability at a specific time of day. Watch this—is it before a bath, before school or after school or both, or before nap time?
Situation: Sometimes the birth of a new sibling can bring out rivalry or the excessive travel of a parent can make the child feel vulnerable. Observe the context—an alteration in the regular routine can unsettle
the child.
Health: Physical, mental and emotional health can affect your child’s temperament. If your child has autism, he may be prone to a higher degree of tantrum.
Location: Sometimes children don’t handle crowds too well. They could also feel restless in quiet places like the library or a place of worship. Knowing where children get restless is a good preventive.
TIPS TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS
Here’s what you should not do. Never watch the tantrum signs and hope that things will blow over. It is better to prevent the tantrum than allow it to escalate. Don’t be too cheeky and try to challenge the child saying, “Go ahead—I don’t care what you do. Throw your tantrum! It won’t work.” Then, how do you deal with it?
Talk: Conversing with the child when the restlessness starts can help the child cope. Do not threaten or frighten the child. It’s better to intervene early on than wait for the child to enter a different state of mind that is hard to reach out to.
Tone down: Use a sympathetic tone. If the parent is as agitated as the child, then there is no solution. What puts off most parents is the embarrassment that a child can bring while at a public place. Don’t mind the embarrassment—just be a reliable parent. If you are soothing, your child will automatically get soothed.
Accept: The child might reject your overtures—that should not make you feel bad. Although the child may not outwardly accept your love, continue to be the source of comfort.
Stay calm: Never be agitated during a tantrum. It is easier said than done but necessary. Also, mimicking the child’s agitation only aggravates the problem.
Distract: A sure-fire way to get your agitated kid to calm down is to turn the child’s attention elsewhere. Rather than get flustered, take this as a challenge each time your child loses his temper, see it as an opportunity for you to come up with an out-of-the-box solution.
WHEN TANTRUMS OCCUR
Time: Some children express irritability at a specific time of day. Watch this—is it before a bath, before school or after school or both, or before nap time?
Situation: Sometimes the birth of a new sibling can bring out rivalry or the excessive travel of a parent can make the child feel vulnerable. Observe the context—an alteration in the regular routine can unsettle
the child.
Health: Physical, mental and emotional health can affect your child’s temperament. If your child has autism, he may be prone to a higher degree of tantrum.
Location: Sometimes children don’t handle crowds too well. They could also feel restless in quiet places like the library or a place of worship. Knowing where children get restless is a good preventive.
TIPS TO DEAL WITH TANTRUMS
Here’s what you should not do. Never watch the tantrum signs and hope that things will blow over. It is better to prevent the tantrum than allow it to escalate. Don’t be too cheeky and try to challenge the child saying, “Go ahead—I don’t care what you do. Throw your tantrum! It won’t work.” Then, how do you deal with it?
Talk: Conversing with the child when the restlessness starts can help the child cope. Do not threaten or frighten the child. It’s better to intervene early on than wait for the child to enter a different state of mind that is hard to reach out to.
Tone down: Use a sympathetic tone. If the parent is as agitated as the child, then there is no solution. What puts off most parents is the embarrassment that a child can bring while at a public place. Don’t mind the embarrassment—just be a reliable parent. If you are soothing, your child will automatically get soothed.
Accept: The child might reject your overtures—that should not make you feel bad. Although the child may not outwardly accept your love, continue to be the source of comfort.
Stay calm: Never be agitated during a tantrum. It is easier said than done but necessary. Also, mimicking the child’s agitation only aggravates the problem.
Distract: A sure-fire way to get your agitated kid to calm down is to turn the child’s attention elsewhere. Rather than get flustered, take this as a challenge each time your child loses his temper, see it as an opportunity for you to come up with an out-of-the-box solution.
