When a loved one betrays you and latches on to another person, it can be painfully devastating. Whether you should forgive your once-trusted partner or end the relationship depends on what is
at stake, why the straying happened and whether there is scope for forgiveness and healing, says Shama Sheikh
t happens. There is infidelity. Your partner has cheated on you and you have found out. The entire premise on which you built your relationship completely falls apart. Your partner is pleading with you to forgive the transgression, but you can’t. In recent times, Kristen Stewart, the darling of millions across the world, was photographed cosying up to her Snow White and the Huntsmen director, Rupert Sanders, a 41-year-old married man and father of two children. When the photographs came out in the press, her long-time boyfriend and partner, actor Robert Pattinson, who was part of the super-hit Twilight series movies opposite her, moved out of the house they shared. Kristen Stewart put out this apology after the photographs came out, and also for the first time ever acknowledged in the public space that she and Pattinson were a pair. Stewart—facing millions of heartbroken Twilight fans worldwide—was equally distraught. “I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected.
This momentary indiscretion has jeopardised the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”
To forgive or not to forgive
The apology hasn’t worked till the time of writing this piece. Relationships are fragile and built on trust. Once that trust is broken, it is difficult to get it back to the original chemistry. So, should you forgive a partner who is genuinely repentant for having cheated, or should you end the relationship? There can certainly be no black and white decisions for many factors come into play before deciding what your next step should be. Sometimes, an affair might just be a cry for help that a relationship needs for both partners to start reinvesting in it again. Here are some steps that might make things easier for you:
Heal yourself
Admit that you are hurting, that you need time out. Accept that you are feeling betrayed and let down. That your self-esteem has been shaken as has your belief in your marriage and your partner. Give yourself the time and the space to heal.
Let it go
If it is too painful to deal with, let it go. Watch your response to the infidelity. Stop behaving like you were at fault, that you neglected your spouse, you let yourself go, or you nagged him into cheating. Everyone has a choice and he exercised his, whether in a well-thought-out way or in a reckless manner. Stop feeling like a victim. Accept what has happened and move on. It shouldn’t have happened, yes, but it has and nothing is going to change that. So, stop rehashing what should have been and concentrate on what is.
Make the effort to Forgive
If you think your relationship was worth more than a momentary indiscretion and if you believe your partner is truly repentant and will not cheat again, make the effort to forgive. Once you do so, you are on your way to mending the relationship.
Move beyond the hurt
Move forward. Don’t keep on going over the signs, the cheating, the arguments, and the pain. Move beyond those.
Go for couples counselling
An impartial counsellor will be able to pinpoint issues in your marriage that you might not have been able to see and tell you just where you need to work in order to build up your marriage again, and what triggers led to the unfaithfulness.
Don’t take instant decisions
Don’t decide to end the marriage in a state of confusion and hurt, especially when you have children. Move away for a while to a neutral venue, where you can reflect about your path ahead. Decide only when you have thought things through and can be as objective as is realistically possible.
Take care of yourself
An emotional blow like this might cause physical symptoms like sleep problems, difficulty in concentrating, binge or comfort eating. Watch your health and do consult a doctor if you notice any issues. Eat healthy, drink enough water, don’t go on a binge drinking spree, get out and exercise every day and meet with friends.
Find a confidante
Look for friends and relatives you can confide in and who you can count upon for sound advice and support. Turn to them whenever you feel low and have them talk you out of it. Also, make an effort to stay happy. Find people who make you happy and laugh and spend time with them.
Don't bottle up your tears
Cry if you want to; it allows for emotional release. Ask your spouse all the questions you want, and expect that you will get some answers and you will not get some others. Deal with the answers rationally and not emotionally, although that is a tough call.
Avoid flare ups in front of the children
Don’t force the children to take sides and don’t try to tell them something negative about their parent. Just let them know that the two of you are having some issues and that things will be fine, and that both of you love them.
Don’t confront the third party
Going to the third party and creating a scene over the situation is not very dignified and just makes you look sorry. Avoid it at all times. The other party has no obligation to not have a relationship with your spouse; it is your spouse who had an obligation to stay faithful to you.
Try and analyse why the infidelity happened
If it is a one-off incident of infidelity, a one-night stand or something physical with no emotional involvement, it might be easier to forgive than if it is a long-term affair. Was the affair the result of opportunity, of feeling neglected, a mid-life crisis? Once you have figured it out, you might find it easier to see things from your partner’s perspective and come to a decision as to whether you should forgive your partner.
Do accept that the marriage will change
Sometimes, this can be irretrievable. Be prepared to live with that reality. Be discreet when talking about your partner’s infidelity. Only share it with a close friend or relative who can be counted on not to spread the word. You do not want everyone looking at you with sympathy dripping from their eyes.
Walk out if it happens frequently
If your partner is a repeat offender when it comes to cheating, you might do well to walk out of the relationship. It is obvious that there is neither love nor any respect in the marriage. There are boundaries in any relationship and marriage is the most sacred relationship of all. If these boundaries are being continually breached, you might want to re-examine your need to be in this marriage. Sometimes, repeated infidelities and getting caught out might be a man’s message to you that he wants out of the marriage.
Lay down your conditions
If this has been an isolated incident, then ask your partner if he is committed enough to repair the breach in your relationship and is ready to break off all contact with the other person. Keeping in touch is not a good idea; if the affair has happened at work, it would be a good idea if your partner moves jobs. Be aware though that your partner does not ever get the idea that if you forgive him this time, you would forgive him in future too.
Do not bring up the infidelity
Do consider the consequences of moving out or staying back on the children, if you have any. If the relationship is damaged beyond repair and you cannot be civil with each other, it is perhaps best that the marriage should end. If you feel that the relationship is worth more than throwing it away for a momentary indiscretion, then stay back, but do not bring up the infidelity over and over again.
Make the right choice
Finally, do be as unemotional as you can be about this very emotional subject. Breaking a marriage is a very difficult thing. Weigh all your pros and cons before coming to a decision. At the end of the day, marriages have survived infidelities and marriages have been broken by infidelities. The bottom-line, is your response to it and how you choose to deal with it.
