If both you and your partner are working professionals, it may not be easy to maintain an egalitarian relationship alongside. Akanksha Narang explores the relationship dynamics of dual-career couples and how to make it last!
We’ve woken up to a phase of transition, in which, the female force is climbing the corporate ladder as much as their male counterparts. However, female participation is as low as one-fourth, bringing India among the bottom 10 countries on the list. What does this mean for you? If you’re a working woman and in a relationship, you both fall in a newly found constellation in India—a dual-career couple (DCC).
Psychologist Nikeeta Kalra believes that young couples have recognised the need for a dual income to afford a better lifestyle, “With many couples gravitating towards nuclear families, it has become difficult for a family to sustain itself on a single income, due to the exorbitant expenses. Today, due to liberalism, many young couples have started dividing and sharing both home and financial responsibilities.”
While having more money has its own set of advantages, it often has certain challenges mushrooming concerning the development and sustainability of the relationship. Here are some trials an egalitarian relationship may encounter.
Overload dilemma
On an average, a person invests at least 50 per cent of their total waking hours per day at work, excluding travel time and unpaid overtime. At the risk of stating the obvious—you are constantly living a high-paced life driven by deadlines, irrespective of your profession. What’s more, by the time you spare a little stretch for each other, you are already feeling exhausted. Apart from a dampened mood, dual-career couples are confronted with the stress of multiple roles and expectations, including professional and personal.
Dr PD Lakdawala, Psychiatrist, Bhatia Hospital Mumbai explains, “Work stress can definitely lead to emotional and sexual issues. One of the main causes of primary infertility is stress. The libido in men as well as women can go down because they are all the time bothered about work. Ideally, one should leave work in office, but it is easier said than done.”
Work spillover
Due to heightened connectivity and pressure, work projects have found their way to the dinner table.
Dr Lakdawala believes organisations are to be blamed, “Bringing work home depends a lot on individuals as well as on their organisations. Of course, you may not be able to control what organisations expect from you. But individuals have to be strict on how much work they can bring and whether they should or should not.”
Spousal competition
While a little perforation is predictable, unhealthy spousal competition may develop into a rift between partners. You need to understand that both of you are on the same side. The higher-earning partner may be made to feel guilty or the lower-income partner may have a lower hand at arguments. Nevertheless, one’s career should never be the deciding-factor on the uncalled-for power-struggle within a relationship. “It is important to try and keep your ego and comparisons of pay, outside your relationship,” advises Dr Kedar Tilwe, Consultant Psychiatrist, Department Of Mental Health And Behavioural Sciences, Hiranandani Hospital, Vashi-A Fortis Network Hospital, Mumbai.
Analyse expectations
The first step to organising the relationship is to analyse what each partner expects from the other, the second being to communicate the same. Straying away from the traditional, dual-career couples are always in a normative dilemma of resilience. While positive assortative mating may find you the perfect partner, when it comes to power, you may just be two swords reaching for the same sheath. Dr Lakdawala believes that role expectations need to be elucidated for a smooth course, “There are several questions that arise: who focuses on the child’s studies, who supervises the kitchen etc. Women often feel they have to take up the whole load plus they also have to put in long hours at work too. But in such cases, women have to remember to ask for help when needed.”
Psychologist Harsheen K. Arora believes communication is the key, “Working couples need to give clarity to each other about the advancements in their careers, where they want to be professionally as well as personally; whether or when they want to have children, about travelling or relocating for work; but most importantly about everyday things at home, and to what extent one is willing to sacrifice one role over another.”
Time management
For dual-career couples, time management is of utmost importance and can include planning both short-term and long-term goals. A dual-career couple that appreciates each other will set enough time for reciprocal duties and emotional investment. Schedule dates and activities with your partner the way you make your professional appointments. If you’ve agreed to a date night, do not cancel unless it’s for
an emergency.
Dr Tilwe suggests you indulge in a quick detox daily, “Give yourself at least 30 minutes to detox from work. You could use that time to freshen up or indulge in a hobby. Avoid detailed office related discussions at the dinner table; and if you cannot, then at least don’t try to find an instant solution to your work problem at home.”
Dr Arora further asserts that ‘us time’ shouldn’t be compromised, “It’s important to set out ‘couple time’ every day (even if for just 20 minutes) without work, phones or any other gadgets. Couples must use this time to do an activity together or have a positive conversation which does not involve other people or daily problems.”
Let them in
Long-term couples have one thing in common—they mingle with their partner’s social groups. Taking your partner along to an office party or filling them in on the latest developments will help them feel included. Dr Arora upholds honesty, “Being transparent with your partner about your work and introducing them to people you end up spending most of your day with will help your partner feel closer to you. This helps maintain trust in the relationship and advance one’s social circle in the process.”
Dr Tilwe believes that it not only makes your partner feel included but also builds up on trust. He explains, “It allows your partner to understand ‘you’ in your workplace, better. Also, it shows a certain degree of trust and openness on your part, which can further deepen your bond. Besides, it empowers your partner to be a better support to you at the time of work-related crisis.”
