Sibling disagreements could be healthy, for they indicate that each of your kids have an opinion of their own. But if the only thing your children do together is to fight or indulge in a blame-game, it may be time for intervention, finds out Aruna Rathod.
One day, when Janaki Kamdar, mother of two, got back home from work, she found her five-year-old daughter Mallika near her one-year-old son’s crib, looking intently at him. “I asked her what she was staring at, and she looked up at me with absolutely no expressions on her face and simply said, ‘Next time those beggars come up to our car, let’s give Aarav away to them.”
Though it unsettled her a little (ever since Aarav was born), Janaki remembered how, she had perceived her older child feeling a little neglected. The otherwise cheerful Mallika would sulk every time Janaki sat down to feed Aarav or to put him to sleep. The tantrums grew worse when her dad got back home from a long work tour and headed right away to play with her little brother.
And though Janaki knew she had a situation at hand, the pressures of getting back to work from her maternity leave and having hardly any support system left her with little time to be the kind of balanced parent she had hoped she would be to Mallika.
“I had hoped that my husband Raghu and I could make it easier on Mallika when Aarav came along,” says Janaki. “But despite our talks with her when I was carrying Aarav, I realised that the rush of
the everyday life was leaving Raghu and me with almost no time for Mallika.”
Janaki and Raghu, however, realised their folly and ensured they would spend at least as much time with Mallika every day, as they spent with little Aarav. Janaki even began taking out time to retell stories when Mallika was a baby —something the little girl had never tired of hearing. Raghu, for his part, ensured that when he got back from work, he first spent time with Mallika before they headed together to check on Aarav.
With conscientious efforts on both their parts, Janaki and Raghu made Mallika understand that she
didn’t have to feel threatened about losing the affections of her parents to her little brother.
While the Kamdars were proactive in spotting their parenting errors, either due to lack of time or enough sensitivity around the matter, many parents simply brush aside such instances, sometimes even punishing such unintentional jealousy of their children. And though jealousy may be a very natural emotion, Dr Kashish Chhabria, a clinical psychologist based in Mumbai, believes that, when unchecked, jealousy, low self-esteem or any other emotions that do not serve a child could lead to further personality problems.
Prepare the child
Your children are constantly learning to adapt to their home and social environments by imitating what they see or experience. When they observe the sharing and caring behaviour among other members at home, they also would gradually follow suit. “Parents could consciously incorporate these behaviours into their routine, and encourage their children to do the same,” says Dr Chhabria.
According to Dr Kurien S. Thomas, Counselling Psychologist & Life Coach, Effective Living Inc.,
a simple solution to avoid sibling fights is to prepare the older child in advance about the arrival of the younger one. “Develop an interest in the child about having a sibling. The excitement will help prepare the child for momentous changes in the family,” says Dr Thomas. “Involve the child in all the preparations at home—the initial physical and emotional preparation will count most to the acceptance.”
Cues to identify sibling rivalry
Negative feelings among siblings manifest in behavioural issues, warns Dr Vasantha R Patri. Check for signs like:
< Name-calling
< Physical abuse
< Abnormal behaviour
< Shouting at and speaking rudely with each other
< Attention-seeking tantrums
< Constant nagging or
violent behaviour
< Aggressive body language
Note: Verbal and non-verbal cues determine whether a child’s behaviour needs special intervention or not. If it does, it must be given immediate priority and the child taken to a psychologist or counsellor for timely intervention.
Strengthen the bond
Each stage of sibling relationship has an aspect of togetherness to tap into, to create a sense of love and bonding between them. “When kids are very young, parents can set aside fixed toys and time regarding who should play when, and where and how they should be kept back. As they grow older, the responsibilities could be divided,” suggests Dr Thomas.
It has also been observed that children with lesser age gap have more rivalry than those farther apart in age. Children of the same sex might share more of the same interests, but they might also be more likely to compete against each other at later stages in life. The middle child—who might not get the same privileges or attention as the oldest or youngest child in the family—might feel insecure.
The path to peaceful resolution
In spite of all the learning and preparations, it is natural and healthy for siblings to fight as they grow, and most times, siblings with healthy boundaries between each other will find peaceful solutions by themselves. However, at times when when they are incapable of reaching a solution, it is advisable that parents step in to gauge the intensity of the disagreement, and take a neutral perspective of the situation. “Constant verbal and/or physical attacks mean that parents have to help find a peaceful solution while ensuring that the wrong-doer is corrected,” mentions Dr Thomas. “Most importantly, parents should avoid taking sides.
It is often observed that the younger child always gets more attention.
Parents need to understand that the older children need just as much love, attention and affection as the younger.”
Parents must take the lead in allowing their kids to get to know each other. They can set guidelines on sibling behaviour, like, say, a non-violence rule. The older child can be made responsible, though not burdened, with the younger one. The younger children should be told to obey and respect the elder one. “At one point in life, the younger child may believe they equate with the elder child. While that could indicate the beginning of a rivalry, it helps then to set boundaries for each of them,” mentions Dr Thomas. In fact,
in extreme cases of fighting, he even advises parents to separate the children. “Some space and time away from each other might help,” he adds.
Pointers to tackle sibling rivalry
- Avoid getting into arguments between your children while keeping a watch from a distance as they resolve the issues themselves.
- Don’t play favourites or take sides. It will only make your children resent each other.
- Understand and celebrate the uniqueness of your children instead of trying to make them ‘equals’. Nurture their talents.
- Sharing is important, but try not to force the idea upon your children to share everything. Let your children have something special that is completely their own.
- Make time for each child every day. Let them know that you love them, and care and worry for them.
- Have regular family gatherings, and maintain an open environment that encourages them to talk freely.
- Reteirate it often that their family will always stand by them.
- Listen, to understand the child compassionately without being judgemental.
- Maintain transparent communication, and encourage peaceful resolutions among your children.
- Give them joint responsibilities, clearly defining each child's role and how they are expected to express their feelings in case of conflict.
- If a conflict persists, talk to the children individually and try to reach a peaceful alternative.
Steps to foster love
Sibling rivalry can be managed by parents if they are themselves balanced in their behaviour towards their children. For one, parents have to tackle situations consciously and cautiously, so that they lead the siblings away from animosity and jealousy.
“The best way to avoid issues is to enforce rules,” says Dr Vasantha R. Patri, chairperson of Indian Institute of Counselling, Delhi. “Every child in the family must be made to follow the same rules.
In case of an argument, parents need to step in and teach them how to negotiate and compromise in a manner that satisfies everyone involved in the conflict. It would even help if the kids are asked
to think of ideas to resolve issues.
Another thing that Dr Chhabria thinks can help in the situation is for parents to stop comparing siblings with each other—it would only worsen the situation.
It will also help if the children are encouraged to help each other at all times, and be openly praised
for doing so.
“When children see their parents tackling conflicts, difficult situations or disagreements in
an amicable and respectful manner, they will learn and follow suit when they are in a conflicting situation with each other,” sums up Dr Patri.
