FROM WHINING TO KICKING TO THROWING A FIT, THE TANTRUMS CHILDREN THROW UP CAN BE VARIED. WHILE TANTRUM-THROWING IS A NATURAL PART OF THE GROWING UP PROCESS, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THEY CAN GO SLIGHTLY OUT OF HAND. UNMANA DUTTA TELLS YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH CHILDREN WHO HAPPEN TO THROW UP TANTRUMS ALL TOO FREQUENTLY.
As a psychological consultant, I often meet parents who complain of their child’s temper and tantrums, especially in public spaces, where it becomes sort of embarrassing for the parents and they end up giving in to the demands of the child. The Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders state temper tantrums in children as a psychological condition, which need full attention from the parents and experts to be managed at the right age and time.
Research shows some biological reasons behind this behaviour. Some parts of your child’s brain develop late. One of these parts is the frontal cortex which is involved in the execution of behaviours and control of our social behaviour. So the child naturally fails to control and regulate his/her behaviour effectively.
So, till the time this part of the brain develops, it is absolutely necessary that control of this behaviour is monitored and supported by parents. Here are some easy ways to manage tantrums in your children:
Control your own emotions
When the child is already in its peak of emotions, your emotion would throw the situation out of control. So, check your own emotions. Instead of getting angry on your child, try to stay calm. At this point, deep breathing can help calm you down instantaneously.
Distract your child
Just when you realise that your child is starting to talk and cry over a toy that you are not very curious on buying, take him/her to some other part of the store. Show him/her different things which interest him/her, like colours, different pictures or clothes that interest him/her.
Hug your child
I agree that this would be the last thing you would want to do when your child throws a tantrum. But this would help the child to regulate his/her own emotions by getting a feeling that there is someone who wants them to keep calm.
Offer a snack
Hunger is one of the major reasons why children throw tantrums. You can engage the child by taking him/her to the kitchen and ask what he/she would like for a snack. Offer him options. Ask if he would like to help you in preparing the snack. This would keep the child distracted for at least a few minutes, till you prepare the snack with the help of your child.
Offer some rest
Another major reason of temper tantrums is tiredness. They are so tired that their right way of expressing that tiredness is by bursting into tears and showing anger on you. Understand the signs. Here you have two options: One, either you distract him/her to do something that is more interesting; or else, help them to get some sleep.
Do not give explanations
Explaining things all the time may not be very helpful. Your child is too young to understand the logic of why you don’t want to buy him that toy or do not want to fulfil his demand if they belong to the age group of 0-5 years. This would be stressful for the child as well as for you. Instead, give him alternatives for the various things that he demands.
Display calm behaviour
Your child learns a great deal of behaviour from you. What and how you behave when you are in a stressful situation will definitely shape your child’s behaviour as well. Instead of getting tense and fidgeting when things do not go the way you want them to, you can display a calm behaviour by talking things out.
Set rules and follow them
Rules like “no shouting and throwing things” in this house is a very common rule that can be enforced and followed. When you frame the rule, make sure you also follow it too; it should not be just for your child to follow.
Let them talk it out
If a child is throwing a tantrum, it means he/she is not able to express what he/she wants. Teach them ways of expressing the idea that is disturbing them, like pointing towards the kitchen when he/she is hungry, holding and taking you to the bed when he/she wants to get a nap, etc. These small expressions can be taught to the child by parents and this definitely can help you manage the tantrums thrown around in the house.
Praise calm behaviour
Just when your child does anything without throwing a tantrum like eating cereal without any crying spells, you could just praise the child with a few good words and a kiss. This would lead the child to understand that any task done without a tantrum is appreciated by his/her mom and dad.
Time out
Once a tantrum is being thrown, separate the child from the environment where the unwanted behaviour has occurred in order to do away with the behaviour. Like, for a four-year old, who wants to watch a cartoon and throws a tantrum; he/she could be placed in the other room for five minutes in order to modify the tantrum and crying behaviour. These five-minutes of time-out could help the child calm his/her aggressive behaviour and temper.
Remind them in advance
Often, the child throws a tantrum when the parent switches off the TV. To rectify this behaviour, start by giving him a reminder in advance that he/she has 20 more minutes to watch television. This will help the child to prepare himself/ herself to stop a task without throwing a tantrum, as he/she would already know of the task of the TV being switched off, in advance.
Some behaviour that children display is often reinforced. The child’s initial experience of the demand being fulfilled by the parent when he throws a tantrum, often may reinforce his/her belief that throwing a tantrum can solve his purpose or demand. So, he/she continues to throw a tantrum instead of calmly asking for it.
Temper tantrums sometimes go away just like that. But what is important is that this should be learnt to be managed by the parents effectively, in order to make the children understand how to behave in a much more cognitively and socially acceptable way.
