The fear of failure among children in India today has reached epic proportions, causing a spurt in teen suicides. Very often, unreasonable expectations from parents has a crucial role to play in this widespread phenomenon. Reshma O Pathare tells you how to help your child handle failure, and keep them motivated without getting angry and upset.
Adolescence is rightfully called a magical phase— a time when a child breaks out of its cocoon and starts metamorphosing into an adult. Pre-teens, especially, stand on the verge of a whole new world that suddenly begins expanding at a rapid pace. What was, till then, a small comfort zone built around them by their parents, suddenly starts encompassing so many more friends, experiences, dreams, aspirations, expectations et al. Even as they hurtle into this new zone with excitement, the experience is accompanied by a sense of bafflement too. And why wouldn’t it be? The pressure of all these new things sometimes grows to a point of becoming unbearable. Resultantly, all new sorts of fears start creeping in their minds—the biggest one among them being, a fear of failure!
A tightrope walk
“Fear is a basic emotion; everyone has it. The nature of fear varies in different individuals. However, the fear of failure is increasing among pre-teenagers. Primarily, I would say, the main causes would be competition among the peers in terms of academics; constant comparison from family and friends; self-doubt; low confidence in oneself, sometimes leading to loss of belief in oneself,” explains Alvin Sam, Counselling Psychologist at Fortis Hospital, Bengaluru. Having a fear of failure can be healthy but only upto a limited extent. If a child is self-motivated to fear failure to the extent that he/she exerts oneself to succeed against all odds, that is okay. But if that fear starts crippling a child’s mind, makes them lose confidence in their abilities, get withdrawn or isolated, then that is cause for worry. Thus, the tightrope walk is to see that your child’s fear of failure doesn’t dip below a certain level. However, human beings are such complex mechanisms per se that this is easier said than done. “Add to it, hormonal and biological changes that a child begins undergoing in this phase and what you have is a lethal concoction,” says Rachna Awatramani, Counselling Psychologist, Insight Counselling Services, Mumbai.
Sky-high expectations
Indeed, the causes behind the fear of failure developing in adolescents, are many. For starters, as a child‘s world starts expanding, so does his/her ideas about their future, self-expectations and ambitions. However, since they stand on a no-man’s land wherein they are not sure how they will be able to realise their ambitions and self-expectations, a fear of failure starts creeping in. As said earlier, if this fear results in positive action, it is good; but often, the child’s environment is not conducive to accepting failure and that puts immense pressure on the kids, who then develop cold feet and become demotivated to even start off something. On this note, it would be appropriate to insert a word of caution for parents. While there is nothing wrong about having ambitions for one’s child and egging him/her to do well in life, burdening your child with your unfulfilled dreams and making them feel that they will be labelled as failures if they do not live up to those expectations, can cause much more harm than good. Anastasia Dedhia, Consulting Psychologist at Mind Mantra, Mumbai says, “In our Indian milieu, we are ingrained with the thought that we are nothing if we are not at the top. But, few realise that there’s very little space at the top; and if you are not standing there, it does not mean that you are a failure. But, this concept has been so hammered into our heads that parents are known to have utterly ridiculous and unrealistic expectations from their kids. Parents also lose sense of sensitivity while burdening their children with their unfulfilled dreams and making them feel like failures if they cannot deliver. I once had a case wherein the father had not been able to become a CA due to monetary constraints and so, he put such tremendous pressure on his son to become a CA that the young boy got completely crushed under the weight of that pressure.” Compounding matters is the cut-throat competition and the mad dash for unrealistic cut-off percentages to secure admissions in good institutions that are getting rarer than ever. Sibling rivalry becomes another pertinent factor in inducing fear, especially if the elder sibling is an achiever and the younger one is burdened with expectations to follow his/her example. Alvin Sam adds to this saying, “The nature of competition isn’t healthy nowadays. It instils fear of failure and self-doubt in children, who start to doubt themselves because of the self-comparison they make with their peers or siblings. Overtly anxious thoughts can lead to low self-confidence and self-esteem.”
Body-shaming and the role of social media
During adolescence, children also undergo physical changes which they struggle to cope with. Add to that, the media-perpetrated notions that perfect beauty is the only way to be considered successful, plays havoc with their minds. As Awatramani says, “During this time a child feels, he/she is the only one who is going through these changes and that it is abnormal. They look at themselves as a failure and feel they are unable to cope with the changes. A teenage client of mine wanted to get her skin texture changed and get a nose job done as she felt she was ugly and her friends were prettier then her. Friends create immense pressure on the child, therefore one needs to understand what kind of friends one should have. Another factor is young actors and actresses who start working early. Kids see them earning more than an average teenager, making them feel jealous and unsuccessful for not being able to earn that much (or at all) at a young age.”
Psychologist Anuja Kapur from Delhi adds a pertinent point about how social media is feeding this fear even more. “Nowadays, kids are glued to social media, and its pressure robs children of their innocence. Comparison takes higher grounds which further leads to insecurity, hopelessness and suicidal tendencies. The want for social media appreciation creates split personalities and leads to anti-social behaviour too.”
Dedhia opines that social media has created a generation of ‘approval junkies’ who, out of stress or loneliness, feel a compulsive need to get validation from their friends in the virtual world. “Children don’t understand that those ‘likes’ don’t come with genuine emotions most of the time. Furthermore, finding fault with one’s life and considering oneself a failure just because you see your virtual friends posting glamorous images, is a dangerous fallout, which causes many children to get paralysed with fear of not being able to match up to those standards.”
Tackling this fear
Talking to your child is the best way to help him/her tackle the fear of failure. Instead of being prejudiced, insensitive and judgemental, parents need to spend some time talking openly to their children about how it is okay to fail once in a while. You can even bolster the experience quoting your own example.
l Children should be taught to respect their fears instead of being ashamed of them. Encourage your child to talk to you about anything that he/she feels is daunting.
l Teach your child to face his/her fears instead of avoiding them. If a child is afraid of failing at something and is not being vocal about it, the fear keeps growing to enormous proportions instead of being resolved.
l Parents need to give quality time to their children and be on a lookout for tell-tale signs. Spending too much time on social media, avoiding human interactions and having problems expressing themselves are some basic signs that the child is afraid of failing at something. On a higher level, those children whose fear goes beyond a normal point, do resort to alcohol and substance abuse.
l Parents need to watch out for nail-biting, bloodshot eyes, bedwetting and erratic behavioural patterns.
l If parents are not able to give time or are not able to strike a proper conversation with the child, it is best to seek a therapist's help before it is too late.
Today's children are wired very differently than the earlier generations, due to the invasion of technology and information-overload. It has led them to become much more emotional, sensitive and high-strung than ever. Their hopes, ambitions and notions of self-worth are totally different from earlier times, and thus, their fear of failure and the resultant social stigma that might come their way, is massive. Continuous communication, constant validation and keeping only reasonable expectations is the best way to see that your child doesn’t get negatively affected by the fear of failure.
