Who says marriage is a cakewalk? You need to put in tremendous efforts to build a strong foundation so that your marital life is wonderful. Anisha Suvarna scouts information from relationship experts on how to do it.
All of us dream of a fairy‑tale wedding. Suddenly, the clothes, make-up, seating arrangements, flowers and the food for guests become priority. We contemplate on how to do those things rather taking out time to getting to know our future partner better. In short, there is a lot more emphasis on the process of getting married than on being married. But once the honeymoon phase is over, the litmus test begins. Even if you had a long courtship to marrige, your initial discoveries about your spouse in the first year of marriage can throw you off. How do you survive the beginning then?
Taking the first step
The first year of marriage is as important as, say, the first month in your new job. You have to learn the job, understand the people and feel belonged. Marriage counsellor Dr Kamal Khurana believes that marriage is an induction to a new way of life and an orientation to each other, leading to acceptance. Anxieties are a ‘given’. Having someone new around you can take a while to adjust to. Describing his experience, Ashwin Kunder, 32, who has been married for close to two years, says, “During my first year of marriage, I felt as though an alien was invading my personal space. I was so used to staying alone before marriage that it took me some to time to adjust to having someone staying with me 24/7.” Mansi Shah, 29, who had a love marriage nearly a year ago, however, believes that there is a yin and yang about everything. “Though my husband and I dated before marriage, initially, it was weird and uncomfortable for me. It’s not easy to live in a new place, with people who have different personalities. At the same time, it was exciting. I learnt newer personality traits of my partner, such as his eating habits, his openness to shouldering responsibilities and his a cleanliness quirks,” Mansi states.
Communication is important
Psychotherapist and Counsellor, Sonal Sheth is of the opinion that the most important aspects of a satisfying marriage is communication. The expert, who trained in the USA for cognitive behavioural therapy, marriage counselling and mindfulness, and is a practitioner of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) trauma therapy, somatic body therapy and clinical hypnotherapy at Mumbai’s Bhatia Hospital, says, “Men and women communicate differently. So make time to think of another way to explain something to your spouse if he/she doesn’t understand initially. Try to look at the situation through their perspective, and listen with compassion.” In addition, she mentions that a good marriage is able to stand the test of time on exchange of thoughts, emotions and needs.
Dr Khurana also believes in the importance of communication, and states that sharing and expressing your intent in words creates commonness. “Your partner cannot be the source of your happiness
but he/she can support you to create that happiness you seek.
So communication is the medium for this,” he elaborates.
Discovering yourself
While trying to find out the habits, likes and dislikes of your partner, you may accidentally unearth many things about yourself, too. Ashwin, who had earlier described his initial pangs at being married, vouches for that self discovery. Adding to the list of those on a path of self-discovery is Kaushal Mehta, 28, who has been married for less than a year. He admits, “I did not know that I was even capable of taking care of someone else other than myself. I realise that I am always trying to give her whatever she wants, to make her happy.”
Mansi, too, tended to get hyper when things were not where she left them. However, after marriage, instead of making a fuss about it, she decided to be a little accommodative. She claims it comes more easily for someone one loves. “After I decided to be a little more adjusting, I realised that I actually had the capability for it,” she adds.
Dr Khurana says, “There has to be a sense of ownership and belonging for each other. If you have that in place, then you don’t have to worry about any other issue.”
Dealing with conflicts
For Ashwin, most of his marital arguments revolve around family and friends. “I prefer discussing these arguments with my wife during bedtime, before falling asleep. This way, the next day is a new beginning for us,” he says smiling. Kaushal, however, believes in tackling conflicts diplomatically when his wife complains of pretty things like leaving the wet towel on the bed. “We don’t argue about everything. Sometimes, silence is considered cowardice and hyper reactions considered violent. You have to balance both. However, diplomacy always pays off,” he says. But what method of communication does one adopt while dealing with conflicts, especially with a short-tempered spouse? Sheth says that the only way to deal with a short-tempered spouse is to explain to them that you do not like their behaviour. “Firstly, try and understand why your partner is getting angry. Secondly, instead of attacking with a statement like, “Why do you get angry with me all the time?” convey that you are hurt when they lash out at you. Lastly, discuss with him/her how you can address the problem as a team rather than two individuals,” she advises.
Dr Khurana suggests that to learn about each other’s likes and dislikes you need to become a genuine friend to your partner. Support them and earn their support in return. The key lies in accepting the different aspects of your partner’s personality and cherishing the differences. “For instance, if your wife likes spicy food, then make sure she gets it instead telling her that it isn’t good for her health,” he elucidates.
Pre-marital counselling is a must.
The current generation needs to understand the importance of pre-marital counselling. “It should be compulsory. Today, more than 95 per cent marriages are dysfunctional because couples do not know what married life is all about. Parents are so engrossed with the idea of getting their kids married that they miss out on giving them constructive advice,” comments Dr Khurana.
He states that though most religions have a ritual where priests give pre-marital advice to couples during the marriage ceremony, it’s become a mere formality, now. “Those rituals last barely for a few minutes. The couple is more worried about the food for the guests, the photography and, possibly, their honeymoon flight,” he adds exasperatedly.
Sheth, the psychotherapist, too, believes that premarital counselling gives a realistic picture of the challenges of marriage and helps couples address them smartly. “In my premarital counselling workshops and sessions, I deal with communication skills, conflict management, analysis of expectations and other such issues. It also facilitates communication between partners about life’s bigger issues and where each of them stand. In our sessions, partners are encouraged to have honest communication on topics such
as sex, finance, living in a joint or nuclear family, when to have kids, etc, so that they can start their journey of marriage with a better understanding of each other,”
she maintains.
Clearly, surviving the beginning requires skill and prudence; once you handle that well, your marriage is on the road to success.
