Often, when trouble sparks in a relationship, instead of trying to douse the fire, we walk away or give up on it. With efforts in the right direction and love in our hearts, not only can we repair our bonds but also strengthen them beyond belief, affirms Chitra Jha
It is a well-known fact that human beings are inherently tribal, with a deeply ingrained need for association and affiliation with their tribe. Relationships are an indispensable aspect of human life and no amount of wealth, status or power can adequately compensate for a life devoid of good relationships. The way we relate with others—and with ourselves—determines the quality of the life we live. But, of late, this very basis of our existence seems to be threatened. People seem to be giving up on their relationships at the drop of a hat—so to say—whether it is with lover, spouse or even parents. Comments like, “I really have no patience for all this,” are heard far too often. People seem to have no time, no tolerance, no acceptance, no patience and no compassion for other humans. There seems to be a great unwillingness to invest energy in a relationship or make behavioural adjustments once a commitment is made. Why is this becoming a general trend across all cross-sections of society? Where are we going wrong?
What are the solutions?
These questions have been discussed ad nauseam in most forums and most homes and yet, we can’t seem to correct this anomaly. Perhaps, it is time to take a fresh look at the subject. As I look at it, the problem lies in the very fabric of the society that gives more importance to material things over human beings; and the genesis of this problem lies in the way we grow up.
Touch deprivation
Most people grow up with touch-deprivation, as parents do not have enough time to spend with their children. This lack of touch prevents the secretion of ‘feel good’ hormones such as oxytocin. And in the absence of feeling good about ourselves, we become hard people whose hearts remain untouched as well.
Feeling unloved
The lack of human touch makes us feel unloved and uncared for. And while parents shower us with material goods, we remain empty inside. Thereafter, the rest of the life is spent trying to fill this emptiness or void. And until we feel fulfilled, we have no love to share with others.
Victim mentality
This inner void makes us feel like a victim. We feel victimised by our family, our educational institutes, our workplaces and our love relationships. This creates a ‘poor me’ paradigm, which makes us angry with everyone—including our own selves. Such a mentality destroys relationships.
Protection around the heart
It also makes us feel hurt and we are forced to erect a protective shield around our heart to avoid being hurt again. Since we do not want to show our hurt self to others (as we are afraid of appearing weak and vulnerable), we isolate ourselves in the prison of our pain, which leads us towards self-destructive habits. It also makes us want to hurt others. This back and forth process of hurts injures every person in close relationship with us.
Over-reaction
Since we do not allow ourselves to express our emotions, the unacknowledged and unexpressed feelings remain stored inside our body cells, becoming our emotional triggers over time and making us over-react to life situations. And when our reaction is out of proportion to the issue at hand, it causes problems in our relationships.
Taking things too personally
All this makes us carry a very poor self-image, which further makes us interpret other people’s words and actions from a very subjective perspective. For example, if your spouse looks at an attractive woman, your own poor self-image will make you feel unattractive, unwanted and unloved. This can create enough fodder for emotional disturbance and may lead to a break-up.
Non-acceptance of what is
Since we get hurt again and again and our inner needs remain unmet, we begin to wish that our life circumstances, other people in our life or we ourselves were somehow different. Thus we begin to ‘fix’ our life in accordance with what ‘should’ be, and become very critical of what is. Gradually, this creates righteousness (I am right), prejudices (this is wrong), resistance (this is unacceptable) and fault-finding tendencies. None of this helps in relationships.
Need to please others
Poor self-image and lack of self-worth also make us insecure. So while on the one hand, we want to change certain people, on the other, we go all out to please them – sometimes going out of our way to do things for them. But, since no one can please anyone forever, this requires a continuous effort, which eventually drains us. And when despite our best efforts, others don’t appear to be happy, we consider it our failure and feel guilty, inadequate or not good enough. This makes us look at the very people we want to please as a burden, and we want nothing more to do with them.
Need for acceptance and approval
When we reject our loved ones or ourselves, we simultaneously begin to seek attention and approval from others. Sometimes the fear of being rejected and abandoned makes it hard for us to say ‘no’ to people, as we are afraid of the conflict that may arise when we say no. Gradually, we deplete our energy in doing things we don’t want to do and resent the very people we can’t say no to.
Competition
Since we grow up in an environment of competition—instead of co-operation and collaboration—we carry that competitive spirit into our relationships too. Such competition creates the fodder for all family gossip and internal politics. We may mask it well but cannot run away from it. And it shows up in unhealthy relationships.
Inability to seek Assistance
Many a time we know that we cannot handle our problems on our own and yet do not seek assistance because we consider that a sign of weakness. Our reluctance to seek help further complicates matters.
So, how do we make amends and create healthy relationships?
Feel good about yourself
- Remember that your relationship with others is simply a reflection of your relationship with yourself.
- Think of five nice things about yourself every day and write them down.
- Think about people who like you or love you.
- If there are many things going wrong in your life and just one thing going right, talk about what is going right more often, without denying what is going wrong.
- Create a ‘re-charge your battery’ routine. It may include walking, deep breathing, meditating or sitting quietly.
Feed your relationships
- Look for good qualities in others, even though these qualities may be hidden from your view.
- Know that everyone changes with time. Tune in and feel out your family members anew rather than view them as how they used to be.
- Acknowledge and accept the unconditional love your parents have for you— despite all evidence to the contrary—and pass on unadulterated love and acceptance to your children. The more you trust your parents’ love for you, the more your children will trust your love for them.
- Do not steal away time from your loved ones by constantly working and doing chores. Make time for your family.
- ‘Jadukijapphi’ (the magical bear hug) works really well in cementing relationships. Hug your children, your spouse, and your parents as often as you can.
Set boundaries
- Be clear about what behaviour is acceptable to you and what isn’t.
- Don’t let other’s needs dominate your limits and make you ignore your own needs.
- Avoid being a martyr. Do not give away your power to others and hide behind a mask of being a ‘good, noble, and wronged victim’.
Communicate
- Talk about what is important to you. Speak about your desires, yearnings and vision for the future.
- Don’t try to talk others into your way of doing things. Encourage them to talk about their dreams. Hear where they are coming from and find a common ground.
- Don’t project your own expectations, perceptions and emotions when you are listening to others. Don’t hijack their story.
- Communicate what you want with clarity, friendliness and respect. The more clearly you ask for what you want, the more likely you are to get it.
- Value confidentiality. Don’t share other’s emotional stories in casual conversation or gossip. Keep things to yourself.
Don’t try to impress others
- Do not try to become someone that you are not just to make people like you.
- Take off your social masks. Accept and embrace the real you.
- Speak your truth, no matter what.
Don’t try to fix everyone
- When your family members talk about their problems—without implicitly asking for your advice—don’t feel pressured to offer help.
- Don’t tell them it is not as bad as they think it is.
- Don’t tell them how to fix it.
- Don’t be a know-it-all, been-there-done-that kind of a person.
- Stop ‘mothering’ people.
Encourage an expression of emotions
- Allow yourself and others around you to experience and express their emotions.
- Know that it is okay to be disappointed, unhappy or angry.
- Give space to yourself and others around you to be themselves.
Ask for support
- Don’t try to deal with life all by yourself. Seek support—both practical and emotional.
- Reach out and ask for help.
- The author is a world traveller, a best-selling author, an inspirational speaker, and a compassionate witness to everything and everyone she meets—including herself.”
