You may not realise, but prolonged neglect could lead to emotional abandonment in any relationship. Aruna Rathod explains why you need to take a reality check to understand if you are in a similar situation and work on it before it’s too late.
Anew term is silently doing the rounds where relationships are concerned—emotional abandonment. If you have often wondered what it could mean, here’s what it is. In a relationship, being physically absent is common, but what about a situation when a person is present, but emotionally absent? “Emotional abandonment can be present in all relationships and it ranges across all age groups. We all have emotional needs, which include being listened to and understood, to be cared for and nurtured, to be appreciated and valued, to be accepted and to have affection, love and companionship,” says Malini Shah, Psychologist and Co-founder, Aastha Chrysalis. Emotional abandonment is failing to notice, respond in a timely manner to other’s feelings and inappropriate response in times of care and emergencies. There is a cut-off from love, care and communication gradually due to conflicts, suddenly or intentionally the person is made to feel unwanted and intentional withholding of communication and affection.
Take the case of Arun Kulkarni (name changed). He is in his early 30s, but completely withdrawn and fails to derive satisfaction from interacting with friends. He blames his parents for neglecting him and never giving him the emotional security he needed as a child. As a result, he is not able to trust others easily, has embedded fear of abandonment. This is a case of emotional abandonment on the part of the parents.
Malini explains, “When parents are critical, dismissive, invasive, or preoccupied, they’re unable to empathize with their child’s feelings and needs. As a result, the child will feel misunderstood, alone, hurt or angry, rejected, or deflated. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much for a child to feel hurt, abandoned, and ashamed.”
Often people aren’t aware of their emotional needs and just feel that something’s missing. Especially in the case of intimate relationships, people have many emotional needs. Dr Shefali Batra, Psychiatrist and Cognitive Therapist explains, “One needs to be heard, understood, nurtured, appreciated, valued, accepted, loved, wanted and befriended.”
Forms of Emotional Abandonment
In intimate relationships if there are too many differences, arguments or distrust, people stop caring, nurturing, valuing and respecting their partners. Infidelity itself by definition is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship by one or both partners, that is why one goes to an external source to fulfil this need. Likewise if one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him or her from being present. “Triangulated relationships also present this problem wherein one partner neglects the other because all attention is diverted to a third peg in the triangle: a mother or friend or job for instance,” adds Shefali.
Other examples of emotional abandonment are to neglect a close family member, friends when he/she really needs help; or to be pre-occupied with oneself without nurturing others; lack of mutual interest and time spent together – especially in the case of couples; personality issues, verbal physical abuse, addiction, unhealthy communication and high conflicts and unresolved resentment.
“Freezing of communication and going in a cold zone for days and being emotionally unavailable for the other person is a warning sign of emotional abandonment,” adds Malini.
Shefali explains that it could happen slowly and subtly “Sometimes the abandonment manifests after a period in time and usually occurs because of intentionally withholding communication (introverted personalities); excessive demand for ‘alone time’; stress, anxiety, depression or other psychological illness; death of a close family member and hence emotional turmoil; demands of parenting and hence a persistent strain; a long-standing illness that impacts life on a day to day level; different work timings and less time with each other; not having common interests and not seeking to build them; preoccupation with work; lack of open communication; unresolved arguments and different conflict handling styles; fear of intimacy or sexual dissatisfaction and memories of abandonment in childhood.”
Are you at fault?
Emotional neglect is failing to provide these emotional needs in a consistent manner where the person may feel rejected and unwanted.It also means imposing one's ideas and opinions or being forceful. Emotional neglect may lead to emotional abandonment .
Physical closeness doesn’t mean our emotional needs will be met. Emotional abandonment may happen when the other person is right beside us. It can happen even if the person is sitting or even lying right next to you –distance is not the issue.
Warning Signs To Be Aware Of That Could Cause Emotional Abandonment
YOU ARE A VICTIM IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU DAILY :
1] Difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings
2] Less ability to empathize, judgmental and critical attitude
3] Self blame, blaming others
4] Frequent worry
5] Excessive fears and dissatisfaction
6] Need to please others
