What’s that? Well, an FWB simply means a ‘Friend with Benefits’. It implies that apart from the love and companionship you receive from a friend, you also receive an add-on—sex—to be precise. Namrata D’souza speaks to youngsters and experts alike on this raging relationship fad
Usually the line, “Can we be friends?” makes for one of the more beautiful moments in your life as you make a new friend, a new companion. But today, with friendship, a lot of youngsters expect additional benefits. Sex is on top of the list. Does sex add fizz to the friendship or does the relationship fizzle out under the pressure of this unconventional demand?
In reel and real life
In recent times, movies such as, No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits (both in 2011) have brought the FWB notion onto the silver screen. For those of you who haven’t watched the movies and are new to this acronym, here’s what being a friend with benefits entails: you get into a spoken or unspoken agreement with your friend to have sex occasionally, without ever planning to pursue a romantic relationship. According to a Michigan State University study conducted last year, 60 per cent of college students admitted to having been in an FWB relationship at some point in their life. However, Dr Deepak Arora, U.S. certified clinical sexologist who is also the founder of DrAroras.Com remarks, “In my opinion, the concept of two friends indulging in sex and not being in an emotional relationship is one that has been perpetuated by movies and novels and occurs very rarely in real life. Also, this concept is very alien to our culture.” Is it? According to many youngsters within the age group of 20-30 years whom we quizzed, the answer was a unanimous, ‘Yes! An FWB relationship is very common!’ What stands out glaringly from the Michigan study, however, is this fact:
For 74 per cent of people who had an FWB, it did not destroy their friendship! But can friendship and sex really co-exist?
Doomed for failure?
Although it is a no-strings attached arrangement, when friendship and a purely sexual relationship begin to merge, the chances of not just the physical relationship but the entire friendship on the whole collapsing are very high. Here are some reasons why:
POSSESSIVENESS
Says Rashmi, 27-year-old accountant, “At first when I got into an FWB arrangement it was simply a phase to experiment and give this a try too. But the more intimate we got physically, the closer I got to him emotionally. I knew what I was getting into at the start but then I couldn’t help but be possessive about him. He didn’t see things that way and I had to part ways with him completely after that.”
EMOTIONAL BONDING
“You never realise when it hits you but you slowly start falling for your friend. And it’s never supposed to be that way. When you start developing an emotional bond towards that person you want to get into a relationship with that person but then that goes against the FWB norm and if you continue to be a part of it, it’s only going to pain you further when she may suddenly want to end everything with you,” says Aman Khuranna, 30-year-old architect.
HOPING FOR MORE
“I loved this guy since the last one year and when he asked me whether I would love to get into an FWB relationship with him I immediately agreed for I felt that was just the start. I got into this situation with the hope of him finally realising his love for me; that never happened and I went through two miserable years of this as he just wanted to keep ‘having fun’. I finally decided to never ever meet him or talk to him again,” recounts software professional Prachi who is in her late 20s.
BORED!
Romil mentions, “It was all exciting initially. Getting physical with your friend coupled with the secrecy factor; but then the fun slowly started waning off and within three months, both of us were bored of each other. And after that, I really could not see her as a friend so we decided to cut our friendship totally.
I hoped we could stay friends but there was too much sexual history there.”
The upsides of convenient sex and the comfort factor are completely weighed down by these and many other downsides. Experts keep reiterating the fact that we are but humans and after a point of time it becomes extremely difficult to detach emotions from sex.
Sex Therapist and Counsellor from Mumbai, Dr Rajan Bhonsle, says, “Such an arrangement can firstly not be called a relationship. Also, it can never last. With time, the pleasure and novelty wears off and then the two friends would not want to continue the sexual relationship and when that aspect ends, there develops an awkwardness that causes the friendship to break entirely.” Dr Arora agrees stating how it’s not just the friendship that now stands being scarred for life but either one or both the partners end up hurt in spite of the flexible nature of the relationship.
The FWB hangover
As with any other relationship failure, the consequences of becoming an FWB to someone and the fallout that usually takes place are painful. When such a relationship ends, one has to go through the emotional as well as physical detachment phase. However, Dr Bhonsle raises an important point when he mentions, “The ending of such an arrangement can be devastating since there is a lot of guilt involved. Both may feel used or that they are using the other for their needs. Thoughts such as ‘How could I allow this?’ ‘I have now lost my friend forever!’ keep haunting that individual and their self-worth hits an all-time low.”
Dr Arora states how an FWB arrangement is more damaging to a friendship than enhancing. “A normal friendship loses its very essence once sex is involved and it is no longer a “normal” relationship as it brings along complications which don’t normally exist in a general friendship. It can have a devastating and long-term impact on the psyche of the individual. It can also make them have trust issues which can cause problems in their future relationships.”
Dr Bhonsle recounts an interesting case with regard to a person’s mind being disturbed after the fallout of such a relationship. “At times, it affects an individual to such an extent that he/she could develop OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). They continuously harbour the feeling that they are dirty and need to wash their hands/bathe more often than normal due to these feelings.” Then there is also the guilt and fear of having been in a ‘secret’ relationship that your other friends don’t know of and are most likely not going to approve of. The fear of losing your other friends due to an FWB arrangement also makes you lose your peace of mind.
Do not fall weak
Dr Bhonsle states that many FWB arrangements happen due to the weak moments every individual goes through especially under the influence of alcohol. “Many a time, people conveniently blame alcohol for indulging in sex with a friend. If neither minds the situation, a routine follows leading to an FWB arrangement or else the blame lies on the statement ‘had too much to drink’. Dr Arora warns of the following few situations when you are most likely to let your guard down and how to steer clear from giving in to them:
a. When one friend is on the rebound after being in a bad or abusive relationship.
b. Peer pressure, when one needs to imitate the other group members.
c. Getting influenced by popular media.
The way to avoid such traps is to be aware that such relationships cannot last long. Make sure that your close friends know that they cannot cross the line with you when it comes to physical intimacy no matter what the situation. Be polite but firm in rejecting any such advances by your friend right at the onset.
Also, if you are in an FWB relationship, keep a check on your emotions and those of your partners at all times; if ever you feel there is a change, have a talk and probably end things there itself.
