if it’s not just about occasional periods when a couple’s sex life is dull, then chances are they may be sexually incompatible. Akanksha Narang investigates what it actually means and how to deal with it.
Daisy and John gushed around like middle school sweethearts, with entwined fingers and recurrent lip-locking at every party they attended. While some envied the attraction, some felt nauseated with the PDA. The doting husband never stopped pursuing her and seized every opportunity to get her the most romantic gifts and dates. Who could have guessed that Daisy was in a perennial affair with dissatisfaction! The nights were cold and dark, with feelings of being left high and dry being the only constants.
Was there a solution to this? Will he ever be able to satisfy her? Were they sexually incompatible? She struggled with her thoughts as much as she did with getting triumphant orgasms.
What is sexual incompatibility?
Before dissecting the meaning of sexual incompatibility, let’s discuss what sexual compatibility is. In a thread on Quora, a user opinionated, “Sexual compatibility between two (or more) people is when they have sexual tastes, values and chemistry that are compatible with one another—like a jigsaw puzzle.” Another user on the same thread believes, “Sexual compatibility means enjoying (many of) the same things, with a similar frequency, and to have arousal-patterns that match up.”
If you flip through the folk-wisdom research papers, you will find that venereal camaraderie is closely related to satisfaction. The absence of which therefore, leads to a black hole of discontent in relationships. Buried under a tiramisu of differences, sexual incompatibility, we thus know, is multifaceted.
To sex or not to sex
Sneha, a 30-year-old teacher, is stuck in a rut when she couldn’t find a partner to match her sex drive. In a society that dictates women should denounce free sexuality, having a libido stronger than men's made her feel rather embarrassed. She explains, “My boyfriend doesn’t feel like having sex as much and as often as I do. I like sex a lot and it’s not that I am addicted to it. However, what confuses me is that almost none of the guys I have been with could match my drive. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I am left feeling disappointed because my partner gets done before I do.”
“Men and women tend to have a slight difference in the timing of their respective Sexual Response Cycle; especially during the initiation of ‘excitement’ and ‘orgasm’ phases. This might lead to the subjective feeling of being sexually incompatible,” asserts Dr Kedar Tilwe, Consultant Psychiatrist, Department Of Mental Health And Behavioural Sciences, Hiranandani Hospital, Vashi—a Fortis Network Hospital.
What floats your boat?
Several couples suffer not by a difference in drive but in preferences. While you may both relish kissing in broad-spectrum, his French version may be making you gag. On the other hand, if both partners like to be submissive, then none of them would take charge. In a nutshell, a couple may not be compatible in terms of how they prefer sex. Dr Tilwe believes that individual preferences have a major impact on how you fare in bed. He articulates, “Each person has his/her own individual and unique sexual preferences, which might heighten or dampen their sexual drive. If these are not in tune with those of your partner, then it can prove to be a major hindrance in enjoyment of the intercourse.”
Alisha, 32, media professional and a mother of a two-year-old is married to an IT professional. She believes that sexual or any other differences in a marriage can be overcome with understanding and effort. She believes, “Honestly, if you and your partner are different from each other—be it sexually, mentally or emotionally, all you need is willingness to improve the situation. If he cannot give you what makes you happy physically, what are the odds that he would do it for you otherwise? Every aspect is connected.” Indeed, a selfish person on the bed is a selfish person nonetheless.
No cheat codes
For most couples, the physical side of a relationship is lateral to the emotional and cannot be compromised on. “Having a healthy and enjoyable sexual life is one of the major requirements in an adult relationship. And if a person does not feel gratified; the chances of him/her cheating on their partner can increase,” informs Dr Tilwe. It is a possibility and a temptation to fall for. When you face a dead-end and there is no willingness to compromise from your partner, cheating can feel like a fallback option.
Good-bye
Having a sexual dilemma is a recurrent and common phase in relationships. The question is that should you be throwing away an otherwise good relationship for sexual incompatibility? Dr. P D Lakdawala, Psychiatrist, Bhatia Hospital talking about sexual incompatibility, explains, “If one partner is totally inefficient, a drug addict, an alcoholic, is involved with other people, does not do any work and the relationship is beyond repair, then separation is inevitable. This step is especially inevitable when no amount of counselling works. But, there could be another case where because of different personalities, clashes occur between the couple. In such cases, one has to go for a reasonable amount of counselling and psychological treatment and try to sort the issues.”
How to deal with it
While some couples reach a dead-end, many others are suffering from perceived incompatibility. It means that with the right communication and therapy you can actually get a better sex life!
Don’t play the blame-game
When approaching the subject, try not to blame your partner for the dissatisfaction. Always understand, that you are not trying to prove yourself right and them, wrong. Your goal is to come to a mutual solution, which cannot be achieved this way.
Sexual communication
While in traditional India, women are discouraged from openly talking about their carnal desires, it is important that you do so! The key to heating it up on bed lies in clear communication. Discuss the time you need in foreplay, or the specific moves that turn you on. Open up about your fetishes and kinks, if any. This will help in keeping all the cards out on the table and then figuring out the way forward.
Compromise
We all do things to please our partner and keep them happy. Physically too, if a position isn’t your favourite but you don’t necessarily hate it, go ahead and do it for your partner's sake. “Maybe” is okay, “no” is bad. At the same time, both the partners should be prepared to let go of certain fetishes if their spouse is uncomfortable trying those out. Redefine your preconceived notions of compatibility and find a renewed sense of passion under the sheets!
Consult a therapist
There can be several underlying reasons for sexual incompatibility which can range from medical to psychological. Consulting a therapist will help you understand the exact cause and allow you to connect with each other better.
