In the race to achieve a successful career, a dazzling social life and a hot body, many young women forget that harmonious relationships are a vital component of a well-balanced life. The strong foundation a happy romance and a rich family life can build is invaluable, says Vimla Patil
Relationships happen to us in two ways. First, they come to us through destiny which decides to which and what sort of parents we are born. This reality of our lives also determines to which social stratum we will belong and what our education or lifestyle will be. Further, this event, designed by circumstances, determines what sort of siblings and extended family we will have throughout our lives. Sheer luck determines who among our family including siblings and the extended clan will also be close, trusted friends. We have no choice where family is concerned. But the second variety of relationships very often closer than family ties is created clearly by our will, judgment and choice. These include the friends we acquire along the path of life from childhood to adulthood and most important, ‘the significant other’ in our life, be it a boyfriend, romantic partner or husband. As screen-writer-poet Javed Akhtar says, “Your life is designed by three designers circumstances, you and co-incidences. Any one of these can be the chief designer at any particular moment.” Thus your birth family is yours by circumstance and you choose your mate by your choice or by a co-incidental event. But finally, there is no denying that mostly, you design your own life.
The challenge of building a relationship
Whatever may be the way you meet and click with your partner/husband, this romantic relationship holds centre stage all your life unless there is a breakdown. Every woman, during courtship or while preparing for her wedding, wants this special relationship to bring harmony and happiness into her life and dreams of ‘living happily ever after’ a la a fairy tale romance! In reality though, a happy marriage or romance is not easy to build. The effort is an incredible mix of receiving and giving respect, showing compassion and love, offering understanding and co-operation, creating a firm belief and commitment to the relationship and having excellent judgment as to when to win and when to lose. Coming from a pampered childhood and a youth of freedom, a modern Indian woman is often unable to modulate her life to face all these challenges. The result is heartbreak and disillusionment. So, in brief, how should a solid marriage or relationship be built or renewed? Not easy, but certainly worth the effort. Here is a five-point formula that you can use to take your romantic relationship/marriage to a higher, happier level.
Be committed
The first requirement of a good relationship/marriage is that you have to ‘believe’ in its permanence and commit to its strength with all your heart. There are beautiful words from Gautam Buddha to support this effort! He says, “Discover your world and then, with all your heart, give yourself to it.” After you marry or agree to a committed relationship with a partner, he and his family and friends are an integral part of your world. Cherish him and his world with love and care and you will be on a successful trajectory through the journey. Understand the nature and insecurities of your partner/husband and help him to overcome them with support and trust. Build your own personality to remove any traces of insecurity or doubt you may have in your mind when you compare yourself with colleagues, friends and your new family. Accept the new winds of change blowing into your life and use them to enrich it. Know that you are unique and one of a kind! Believe in this and set out to contribute your best to your marriage or romance.
Give unconditional love
Where your relationship with your partner/husband is concerned, be honest and trusting. Constant suspicion, demands and complaints cause the slow but sure death of love. From your side, be open, honest and earn his trust. Don’t question his concern for his family or friends. They are not a challenge to your love, which is your right. Most important, don’t use sex to get your way in most things, or worse, to settle scores when you have had a fight. Every couple needs private time to sort out their issues with intimacy accept that you may have to compromise on your needs sometimes. Above all, neither should you have illicit affairs nor accept them from your partner. Cheating, infidelity, lying about sex and being disloyal are acts that cause irreversible damage. Once you have made a commitment, hold yourself responsible for enriching your relationship. This is not to say that you should tolerate extreme misbehaviour from your partner. Give the relationship all you can but when you’ve gone the whole way to make it work and find no success, listen to your heart with patience and let go if that is the only option.
Throw away your ego
In a happy relationship, there is no place for the negativity of ego and obstinacy. Do minor failures or obstacles depress you? Does a stray irritating remark from your husband or relative/friend linger in your mind forever? Do you find it hard to forgive trespasses against you? Are you too conceited to talk to sort out your problem? Do you secretly plan the little fights or sarcastic barbs that you will send out to those who irritate you? Do you take pleasure and feel redeemed by sulking and spreading stress around you? It’s time to put the red light on and make every effort to turn it into a green one! Observe your negative mood resulting in your wish to have a fight or argument. Watch your partner or husband going into a shell of grumpiness progressively. You will probably end up having a fight or a bitter silence! Remember, all couples and families have fights. Don’t sweat small differences and throw away your chances of lasting happiness! Try and sort out the problem with respect for all involved; don’t shirk accepting that you could be wrong. If you argue, argue to resolve issues rather than to fix each other! Differences are surmountable often with simple, sweet words! There is an Indian saying: “If you are too poor to afford sugar, just use sweet words to earn respect and love!” Try it! It works spectacularly!
Shoulder your responsibilities
“I want everything and I mean everything in life.” This is what many young women vehemently say in a marriage. They wish to strive for a high-profile career, to be proud of the physical fitness and beauty and be high on the sensuality index as well as be yummy mummies! The burden of getting everything in place is indeed huge. But know that your man is also under similar pressures he too needs to work out regularly to look toned and sexy. He desperately needs to nurture his ego by earning more to provide for his family and to build his wealth. In this age, with women earning equal or better incomes as their husbands, it is important to decide who will look after the savings and make proper investments to secure the future of the family. If you are better at handling money, discuss this with your partner. If household responsibilities cannot be shared with other family members like parents or in-laws, discuss this aspect too. If you have small or school-going children, their care, tuitions, homework, hobbies and sports activities have to be supervised. Discuss these duties and share the responsibility of bringing up your children. In modern marriages, the sharing of home and family-building activities causes the maximum stress. Some couples therefore choose not to have children and have the freedom to work for their careers. However, this decision should be acceptable to both partners.
Believe in the basic values of life
Justice, fair play, forgiveness, compassion, kindness and selflessness are eternal values cherished by all societies for millenniums. They have stood the test of time and yielded results in every case over thousands of years. They are held up by all cultures, all religions. So keep the faith to enhance your own life. Whatever your religious, spiritual or moral beliefs, depend upon them to give you peace, serenity and satisfaction. Understand that everyone goes through immense stress in life in the current age. No one has everything his or her way in life. You win some and lose some, that’s the law of life! Make efforts to understand the personality of your partner and play fair with him in all situations. Keep your communication lines open for him to seek your support or courage in difficult times. Forgive him if he makes mistakes and be just and selfless as often as you can. Be caring towards his dreams and his family. In Indian culture, the family is the centre of everything we do. A strong family bond adds a certain lustrous resonance to our lives. Be sure to unite families yours and his rather than break up relationships! Don’t make your romantic relationship the victim of the modern scourge of EGO!
Osho, in one of his discourses, said, “When you love because it is right to love, when you give because it is right to give and when you care because it is right to care, your life becomes festive and joyous. Every action becomes a cause for celebration.” Your life, your relationships and your dreams are a wonderful part of this celebration.
