As Indian women hurtle into the second decade of the 21st century, motherhood needs to be redefined and re-evaluated to become a joyful experience for them, says Vimla Patil
A survey conducted by Ipsos Global to assess the happiness/contentment quotient of populations in each nation, concluded that Indians were one of the world’s happiest and most contented people. The survey reported that relationships remain the first priority for Indians who invest their love in family unity and support. Dr Fritjof Capra, internationally-famous author of the Tao of Shiva and Uncommon Wisdom, after visiting India, wrote happily that one of the most touching sights he had seen in this country was families riding a bike or two-wheeler together! This included mothers/fathers dropping their kids to school! Gail Sheehy said prophetically in her iconic book Passages: “Once you are pregnant, you are pregnant all your life,” stating the simplest truth of a woman’s existence. These three seemingly unconnected bits of information are a guide to motherhood for Indian women. Based on the wisdom that they collectively offer us, here are eight possible solutions for the problems Indian mothers face.
Make your child your priority:
You became a mother by choice. The child didn’t ask to be born. So, even if a child just ‘happened’ to you, it is without doubt your responsibility—together with your husband/partner—to bring it up in the best way you can. Undoubtedly, you want a career, a busy social life, a youthful, healthy body and opportunities to indulge in all the pleasures and activities you have dreamt of. But once you have children, make them your first priority and make that link last a lifetime with love, devotion and caring. Only parents, especially mothers, can give unconditional love. That’s why in the Indian context, god is perceived to be a mother!
Be a ‘tiger mom’ if you have to:
Read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, John M. Duff Professor of Law at Yale University, law school, USA. The idea of the Tiger Mother (strict-when needed mother) is gaining popularity in many countries including India. In the book, Chua stresses upon the need for control on children’s lives, strict discipline and correct restrictions (she says her own daughters are not allowed sleepovers or boyfriends and are expected to study on holidays when needed). With her own ‘tough parenting’ experience from her Chinese background, Chua has written the new rule-book for mums telling them what they should do and what they certainly should not. Chua’s book is possibly the outcome of the contradictions of child-rearing in the West (where she lives and works) and the East (China, to whose culture she was born).
Don’t hesitate to adopt an Indian approach:
We are Indians; so however large the western influence is on our children, it’s wiser to bring them up the Indian way. The formula succeeds most times because it belongs to us. Arguing for a ‘different’ society in India which works best by the heritage of its own culture, Rajiv Malhotra, author of the bestseller Being Different and currently Chairman of the Board of Governors of the India Studies Programme at the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth, USA, says: “India is its own distinct and unified civilisation with a proven ability to manage profound differences, engage creatively with various cultures, religions and philosophies and peacefully integrate many diverse streams of humanity… that stand in contrast to the fundamental assumptions of Western civilisation.”
Western parents tend to give much more freedom to their children,” says counsellor, Mamta Kaushik, adding, “Parents are aware that too much molly-coddling can make children wayward and obsessed with freedom to do what they wish. Unlike in most Western countries, where children leave home at 18, and are expected to be financially independent, in India, children stay with the parents unless they need to go to college or work elsewhere. They are brought up with more control and discipline. Most children think of the family as a safe haven and their family’s love as their strength. They are constantly steered towards their goals and aspirations with a benign but firm hand. So, to emulate Western cultural motifs blindly can cause serious problems.” It’s important to teach children the sanctity of the home, good language skills, the guidance to plan the day creatively and to respect elders, teachers and their own friends. Goodwill earned from all around lasts a lifetime.
Trust your child:
Most parents don’t. This is a disturbing situation. It is absolutely necessary for every parent—especially a mother—to build a firm foundation of trust and love with a child. It is a good idea to set out time for a leisurely, tension-free exchange of experiences, views and influences every day from everybody’s busy schedules. Keep a keen eye on the children or adults that your child meets or mingles with. Recognise that children too have tensions. Talk to them about physical or emotional problems to ease it. The burden of studies, the pressure to do well and have fun like their peers can depress school-or-college-going children. You are the only constant support they can look up to. Spoiling children is a myth. As long as they deserve a gift or opportunity, if you can well afford it, give it but be clear how much you will give. Giving in to smaller and legitimate demands gives you the right to say no when you can’t come up with whatever is demanded.
Devote your energy to build family unity:
Psychiatrist, Dr Subhash Pillai says, “A mother is the architect of the unity and peace of the family on both sides—her own family and that of her husband. The family is the strongest unit of Indian society and gives all its members support and help to achieve their goals. Look at the children of all top industrialists—the Birlas, the Ambanis, the Godrejs, the Singhanias and all the new tycoons of India or even Bollywood parents or artists like Amjad Ali Khan. Their children are introduced to business and wealth making or high standards in performance right from their childhood. There is indulgence but strict control too. The Indian family institution has to be protected at all costs. We must strongly oppose laws that make porn, liquor and tobacco available freely to all just because we are a ‘free democratic society’. To all those who argue for the legalising of the same, I ask whether they would like their own children to be addicted to sex and porn. The new joke that SRK is no longer Shah Rukh Khan—the letters stand for Spoilt Rich Kid—are a warning to our society which is imitating the West blindly and desperately.”
Be a strong single mom:
Single mothers have a hard time. But, you may have fought for the custody of the children and won if you are divorced; so you wanted this responsibility. If you are widowed, you have become the only parent the child has. If you have adopted children like Bollywood star Sushmita Sen, you and your family are the children’s family. It is well to remember that today, family means only people who love and support each other. So do not consider yourself as a freak. Such families are normal as long as you build a relationship of trust and love. Love is the answer to almost all problems.
Be patient:
Busy mothers have little patience but it’s important to listen to your kids when they demand your time, because patience is the key to your relationship with your children. A child offers you a whole new universe. They see beautiful things and observe details which you never dream of. A small story illustrates this point magnificently: A mother of a toddler was busy talking to her friends while her child pulled at her hand to show her something. The mother broke the conversation and went to the window with the child to see a beautiful butterfly. When her friends showed irritation at her going away, she said, “I can talk to you anytime. But sharing this moment of wonder is my gift to my child and is the first priority.” Share this mother’s quality of patience and see how a whole new world opens up for you. Have monumental patience to be alert towards children’s health or behaviour problems and deal with them instantly.
Be firm and clear:
Let your children know what you expect from them. If you won’t allow something, explain your reasons without losing your temper. Use clear logic to make your point. You and your partner should be together in all decisions regarding the child. Don’t let children use parents one against the other.
Finally, remember that your happiness and that of your family is what makes life a pleasant experience. Be happy and contented and give the gift of lasting happiness and contentment to your children. An old Sanskrit saying says it all in beautiful words; “Just as a full moon lights up the whole sky whereas thousands of stars don’t, one illustrious child is a blessing and illuminates the lives of his/her parents whereas a hundred foolish children can only bring darkness!
