Kids are not always on their best behaviour. But, to ensure that they behave themselves and absorb the right values, it is essential for parents to set an example, while they guide and correct their children on what is acceptable or otherwise, says Vandana Aggarwal
For all the joys that parenting brings, there are embarrassing and frustrating days, when your innocent little mite turns bratty, creating the mother of all scenes or demanding attention with defiant and unacceptable behaviour. Children are born with a clean slate, but clue in very quickly to the indicators around them. Within a few days, a newborn knows that crying may translate into a warm cuddle and an infant’s rapidly crumpling face will result in parents giving in to his demand. As the child grows older, these cute antics turn into actions which the child demands as his right, leaving parents bemused. Here are eight behaviours which are unacceptable and parents need to put their foot down and check them before it’s too late.
Throwing tantrums
Scenario: Your daughter wants to buy more of her favourite chocolates but you say no, which turns into a nightmarish scene watched by a dozen disapproving eyes.
Why it happens: Children throw tantrums when their need clashes with the parents’ ability to provide what they want. Tantrums, if not corrected, may occur at any age from infant to adulthood and most parents have been at the receiving end of a stubborn, crying, defiant child who refuses to see reason.
What to do: Walk away from the situation. Admittedly, this takes a lot of effort especially in a public scenario where your first urge is to save face by giving in. Don’t turn into screaming, ranting clones of your child. Staying calm and ignoring conveys that you are not interested in bratty behaviour. Once your daughter realises that you are unaffected by the show of strength, there is a good chance that she will calm down. Talk to her in a composed, empathetic voice. Tell her firmly your reasons for saying no and what can be done to resolve the situation.
Whining
Scenario: You son is unable to go to the playground because it’s raining. He keeps complaining about it, driving you up the wall because you cannot do anything to stop the rain.
Why it happens: A child resorts to whining when he is unable to articulate his frustrations. There is a high likelihood that the child is tired, hungry or in some discomfort, which is adding to his misery.
What to do: Talk about alternatives that may help resolve the problem. Show that you understand the problem and are willing to work with him to resolve it. Give alternative suggestions like playing indoors for that day and promising to take him out if it stops raining. Point out that all his friends are indoors too because of the rain and he is not the only one being denied the playground. Check if your child is sleepy or hungry. Insist that he talks in a normal voice if he wants you to listen to him.
Lying and stealing
Scenario: Your six-year-old comes back from school with a shining new eraser, and when questioned, says she received it as a birthday gift from her friend.
Why it happens: Children don’t know the difference between taking and stealing. They take things because they like them and the moment they sense disapproval, they cover their misdeed with a lie for fear of being pulled up.
What to do: Hold her accountable for her actions but don’t defend her. Gently get the child to confess that the eraser does not belong to her. If you start ranting, you will reaffirm the fear of the child that led her to lie in the first place. Tell her she cannot keep something that is not hers. Reassure her that you won’t hate her for her actions. You may even want to buy her an eraser as a reward for being brave enough to owning up to her mistake.
Back chat
Scenario: Your eight-year-old son argues that he cannot be bothered to do his homework because he thinks it’s a waste of time. He won’t pick up his books and shoes because in any case he has to use them again the next day.
Why it happens: As children grow and develop a mind of their own, they try to test your limits. They feel frustrated by their parents’ attempt to discipline them and vent out anger by being rude, argumentative and disobedient. Often, parents laugh at these antics, sending out the wrong message that their behaviour is funny and acceptable.
What to do: Being consistent, persistent and vigilant is the way to go. Make sure your son knows that disrespect is absolutely unacceptable and will lead to consequences. Tell him firmly that no one in the family talks to each other in this manner. If he does not pick up after him desist from doing it. Make sure “your child completes his work; otherwise you can deny him a privilege like watching a favourite television show.
Aggression
Scenario: Your child comes back from school or the playground and you are informed that he has been in a fight. He may be hitting his siblings or other children, pulling their hair or even biting.
Why it happens: Aggression is a sign of a child trying to draw attention and attempting to control the environment around him. It is important to figure out the triggers for this type of behaviour. Aggression is usually a result of something that happened before the child lost his cool.
What to do: Don’t walk into the trap of dealing with aggression with more violence. State in no uncertain terms that violence in any form is unacceptable. Lay out the consequences and make sure you follow through. Desist from spanking your kids and check if they have been watching violent programmes on television. Find out what is making them angry and try to eliminate the cause. Look for alternate activities for your child to use pent-up energy. Monitor, encourage and applaud when you see the smallest signs of
self-control.
Bullying
Scenario: A kid intimidates his parents, friends or siblings into doing what he wants and refuses to join them if they don’t agree to his terms.
Why it happens: Kids who bully others also manifest a sense of insecurity which makes them assert power unfairly. They dominate and manipulate things so that they can get their way. Busy parents resort to bribing their kids with gifts and pander to their unreasonable demands.
What to do: Every action must have a consequence. Connect with your child. Try to get to the bottom of his insecurities. Explain to them what they are doing is cruel and, if they continue their behaviour, they may be left with no friends. Let them experience the consequences of bullying behaviour by pointing out why their peers and siblings are not keen to interact with them. Look out for a feeling of entitlement in your kids and don’t fall into the guilt trap.
Disrespectful behaviour
Scenario: You observe kids behaving badly and showing scant respect for family and friends.
Why it happens: Kids take their cues from those around them and learn from observing. Inconsiderate behaviour, if unchecked, will gradually translate into arrogance, a sense of superiority and misbehaviour, especially against those who are less privileged.
What to do: Be a role model and lead by example. Teach them to greet, thank and be polite to everyone around them irrespective of their position. Be quick to correct them if they deviate. Get them to lend a helping hand at home so they appreciate hard work.
Defiance and power struggle
Scenario: Your friend shows up at your doorstep looking for her son who has come over to play with your child even though he was told that he could go only after taking a bath. What follows is a power struggle with the boy refusing to budge while his mother cajoles, pleads or loses her patience.
Why it happens: Kids see the world differently than adults. They don’t think having a bath first is such a big deal and cannot fathom why parents have to make an issue out of it. They feel they are big enough to think for themselves. It is natural for an intelligent thinking individual to resist following orders blindly, so in some ways this may actually be viewed as a positive trait, if it is within limits!
What to do: The moment you lose control, you lose the battle. If children get their way by being defiant, they will push their boundaries further. Talk and explain why you say what you do and if the child persists in wanting to do things his own way, let him do so—as long as it is safe—and face the music. If your son argues over bed time and refuses to see reason let him sleep late one morning and miss the school bus. Offer to drop him to school, but not, if it happens again. Parents need to get the message home without destroying their child’s capacity to think and stand up for himself.
It’s a job that never ends
It is important to correct bad behaviour before it becomes a habit. As a parent, you can never sit back and say your job is done. You have to encourage, reinforce and reward good behaviour continuously for your children to grow up into self-disciplined individuals.
Remember: There is no problem that cannot be solved with a warm, loving hug.
