Improve your relationship by reconnecting, bonding, communicating and appreciating. Lachmi Deb Roy Lists ways of managing the many moods of a relationship.
In the early years of marriage both of you couldn’t wait to get home from work so that you could spend the time together. But over a period of time you feel that the fizz has just vanished. Finding the right person and living happily ever after is probably true only in fairy tales. In reality, once you find the right partner, maintaining and nurturing the bond takes a lifetime. Most importantly, don’t work towards making your relationship perfect, rather, learn to accept each other with all the imperfections and differences. Here is how you can do it.
Sex up your love life
Most couples fail to create and share a space of intimate moments due to overwhelming demands of work, finance and children. This gradually leads to physical and emotional disconnection between them. Romance often ends with the beginning of marriage. What is important is to use the mad love that you had for each other to rekindle old passion and make your sex life more fun. Just flowers, gifts, cakes on your anniversary is not enough; that special caress on your partner’s body where he/she likes to be touched the most—makes him/her feel you’re still attracted to them.
Relationship Therapist Rachana Kothari says, “Taking an unscheduled Valentine’s Day off this year and spending time in between the satin sheets is satisfying as well. Having sex at the same time, in the same manner and at the same place paves the way to monotony and dullness. Sometimes, experimenting with new sensual and sexual approaches, reading sexual material, seeing erotic pictures and movies, or engaging in love-play with no pressure to perform, can have a therapeutic effect on a couple’s sexual relationship. Making love somewhere other than the bed, creating a sensual atmosphere with music, candlelight and the use of a mirror for watching your own reflection, can help as psychological aphrodisiacs. Taking a bath together, using scented body oils and the use of a vibrator can help dissolve bedroom boredom and enhance pleasure.”
The spirit of a relationship is often reaffirmed through simple acts like hugging, holding hands and kissing. Hugging generates comfort, compassion, forges trust and has the power to take away vulnerability. Holding hands gives a sense of security and kissing makes you feel wanted. Keep the love alive by doing these acts.
Do activities together
In today’s world of virtual connectivity, distances unfortunately seem larger than ever. Psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria says, “A concept in social psychology establishes that the mere presence of someone impacts the ability to do an activity that may lead to mutual-inspiration and boost energy output. The act of doing an activity together establishes a sense of ‘shared space’ and a sense of ‘togetherness’. Doing couple yoga and going for a walk together leads to ‘couple goals’ which inspire fitness and well-being at a physical, mental, emotional and psychological level. These activities undertaken together can be quite cathartic. Sometimes just the act of taking a walk together even if in silence is therapeutic and stimulates emotional attunement.”
Doing other activities together like going for a walk to pick up some groceries, may be walking the dog or cooking and laying the table together helps in strengthening the bond. Making an effort to sleep at the same time at least twice a week helps couple to come closer to each other.
Communicate with each other
One of the most vital ingredients in a healthy relationship is communication. Follow the simple rule—say what you mean and mean what you say. Kothari says, “Clearly verbalising your thoughts and without any filters is the key to candid communication. For example, every morning, a wife might expect her husband to give her a good-day kiss while leaving home but he might be overly swamped with work pressure. Instead of assuming that he didn’t hug me because he doesn’t love me anymore, it would be wiser if she verbally expressed her desires. Don’t expect him to read your mind.”
Learn to be resilient
Resilience is the quality which is considered to be a silent winner. It refers to the ability of adapting effectively in the face of adversity, life challenges and trauma. Kothari says, “To be resilient, one needs to be realistic, rational and positive towards oneself and others in one's life. Resilience is that magical ingredient that helps you bounce back from stressful situations. When plans are crushed, that is the time to cultivate resilience. Couples who survive adversity together fight it out together, uplift each other, are the strongest and resilient couples.”
Be empathetic and sensitive
It is equally important to be empathetic and sensitive even while you are being transparent in expressing yourself. Kothari, says, “Empathy is an ability to understand or imagine how your partner is feeling in a given situation. By being sensitive, you are being aware and receptive to your partner’s needs, emotions and temperament; understanding not only what annoys him/her but also what amazes him/her. Understanding what puts him/her off and what turns him/her on and keeping a tab of his/her weakness and strengths is important.”
Accept all the imperfections
Just because we are how we are, many a time we expect our partners too to be like us. No one ever has a ‘perfect’ relationship. All of us are a bundle of habits and qualities—both good and bad. Our aim must be to zoom in the positive ones.
Kothari says, “Understanding here is important—we all have been brought up under different sets of circumstances with different values, ethics, morals, habits, mindsets. Accepting your partner, the way she/he is without trying to change them is essential for the harmony of a healthy relationship. For example, I came across a couple where the wife was a gym freak and the husband had never worked out in his life. She expected that he, like her would work out early mornings with her. He was in the habit of going for evening walks. She failed to understand that it is impossible for someone to change overnight.”
“We all need to realise that unless something is an act of instinct, all the attempts will be superficial. Pressure can’t yield any positive results. Accepting each other’s differences with love and dignity helps in strengthening bonds and connectivity.”
Be appreciative
Being appreciated from time to time boosts our self-esteem and it is also one of the innate needs among humans. Dr Chhabria says, “In the relationship paradigm, exchanging of such appreciation usually takes a back seat as most of the things are mentioned at the start of the relationship itself in the process of ‘wooing’ each other. But incorporating the act of giving out genuine appreciation or saying a few nice things about each other on a daily basis not only results in happiness but also reflects that both are observant towards one other.”
Citing a few examples, Kothari adds, “Appreciating your partner, whether it is the cooking she does for you or your laundry; whether he strives hard to make ends meet or helping with children—a simple ‘Thank you’ always boosts the receiver's morale and gives him/her a feel-good factor. It’s an expression of gratitude.”
Focus on the present
Psychologist, Padma Rewari says, “If a couple wants to be happy, they should make a conscious effort to live in the present. The human mind always carries past baggage which affects the present. Anything that has happened in the past shouldn’t leave an impact in the present,”
To this Dr Chhabria adds, “What one has in hand is the present moment. One can either look at the past in remorse and regret or learn from the journey of the past to incorporate the learning into today. One can fantasise and dream of the future only by taking charge of the current moment.”
Turning off your gadgets
You must have seen couples in restaurants; engrossed in their smartphones—probably forgetting they have come with a partner. The most important thing for couples today is “togetherness time” without their gadgets. A study by the American Psychological Association concluded that smartphone dependence was linked to relationship uncertainty.
Kothari says, “Gadgets have intruded every couple’s special space, making the relationship mechanical. They may be having dinner together, but they are just physically present with each other. Mentally they are engrossed with some work message or some official chat on their smartphones. Nothing is so important that it can’t let you have a peaceful meal with your spouse. And if it is; it’s not worth it, as it will make your relationship more robotic rather than romantic!”
Planning a date night
A ‘date-night’ of a movie and coffee or a fine wine and dine is a brilliant idea for couples to spend quality time together.
Dr Chhabria says, “Relationships require work. If relationships are to survive ‘maintenance-mode’, investments have to be made in them.These investments often begin with time allocated for each other. Novelty can be alluring. The idea of planning something ‘out of the regular and mundane’ is something to look forward to. Every relationship needs it periodic ‘press the refresh button’. This ‘refresh button’ can often come in the form of a ‘date night’. I look at this concept as a means of ‘self-care’in the relationship. It is a conscious attempt and effort that’s made to allocate time just for the two individuals where time is spent in setting a dinner or a day out where the rest of ‘to-do’s’ are put on hold and the couple make each other their priority.”
