Have trouble saying ‘no’? you are not alone! a large chunk of us are people-pleasers which prevent us from saying ‘no’ even when required, leaving us drained and dissatisfied in turn. Aruna Rathod explains why it is important to learn to say ‘no’ politely.
Seema K (name changed), an efficient employee, was always the one to be allotted with extra tasks in her office. Swamped with work, she stayed back late in office almost every other day. She simply did not know how to say ‘no’ to whatever task came her way, in an attempt to please everyone. After a year, she was left totally exhausted and broke down.
Give it a thought. Are you the ‘go-to’ person in your family, at your workplace and in your social circle? It is fine to say ‘yes’ to everything, as long as you are happy with the decision. However, when people start taking you for granted, eating up all your time and taking advantage of your kind behaviour, it is time to put an end to all of it and change things.
Diving deeper into the issue, Susan Newman, PhD, Social Psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It—and Stop People-Pleasing Forever advises readers to be firm and master the art of saying ‘no’. She says, “Refusing someone is rarely easy. Often, it’s downright uncomfortable. But constantly saying ‘yes’ leads one towards anxiety, anger, stress, regret and feeling of powerlessness.”
Susan strongly believes people need to change their way of perceiving the word ‘no’ and be able to say it sans going on a guilt trip. “It is necessary to figure out why you may be an inveterate people-pleaser. Saying no is an acquired skill that helps you set personal boundaries and pursue your goals faster,” she adds.
It is also important to change the way you think about yourself in order to bring about a change in your life. This will help you save your time and lend help only when needed.
How to stop being a ‘people-pleaser’
Maybe it is not your fault that you find it difficult to say ‘no’ to people. Salma Prabhu, Clinical Psychologist explains, “These types of personalities are called ‘pleasing type personalities’. They are not able to say ‘no’ even when they do not want to do something.”
After a severe breakdown, Seema visited a psychologist. She was made to undergo a self-introspection activity to make her realise the cause of all her troubles and what it would take to fill her void. The activity revealed that Seema craved for appreciation as it was something that she never really received from her father, while growing up. She grew up looking for that vacuum to be filled, but got abused in the process. She was made to realise what gave her happiness and taught to use the mirror technique to tell herself, to love herself and to appreciate herself. She also made a list of her strengths and appreciated herself.
She practiced various mock ways of saying ‘no’ and soon she actually enjoyed the freedom she found and realized that she did not lose anyone.
The reality is, whatever you say ‘yes’ to will eventually force you to say ‘no’ to something you really want to do or someone you really want to help. The fallout from a ‘no’ is rarely as severe as we think it will be,” says Susan. Once you realise that saying ‘no’ does not mean you are an uncaring or selfish person, you will feel less guilty and be able to shore up your boundaries, balance your relationships and guard your health. Over time, ‘no’ will become your first thought and option instead of yes that so often creates frustration and resentment.
Take a look at your personality and decide when it is time to say ‘no’.
The two types in the ‘people pleasing category’:
- The ones who will not say ‘no’ and go ahead and kill themselves to ensure that the task is done. These people are known to be very nice, who never say ‘no’ and help everyone. More than men, we find women in this category.
These types are the ones who want appreciation from everyone for what they are and what they do. Their deep need is to be constantly appreciated. - The ones who say ‘yes’, then regret taking more than they can chew and feel that they should have not taken it. They curse themselves after saying ‘yes’, and keep brooding and wasting their energy on why they took the task. Then they would either do it haphazardly or find excuses. These are the ones who lack assertive skills and are afraid they would lose people or friends.
The way to change this is to be more secure, to have a higher self-esteem and to learn the techniques to say ‘no’ with a smile. Saying ‘no’ need not be harsh or making the other person
feel they should not have asked in the first place.
