Talking to Shikha on the phone would always lighten Shubhra’s mood; after all, Shikha was her beloved daughter. But today, after hearing her on the phone, Shubhra’s heart became heavy. It was Shikha’s annual-function day in her college yesterday. She had been awarded the Best Student of the Year prize. And in her speech, she referred to Shubhra as her role-model.
It’s a matter of pride for any mother when her daughter wishes to grow up to be like her, but Shubhra could not feel that way. She felt her daughter wanted to be like her because she was not aware of reality. That very moment, Shubhra decided to tell her daughter everything. Not on the phone, but through a handwritten letter. With shivering hands, Shubhra picked up a pen and paper.
Darling Shikha,
I have finally found courage to write this letter to you, because you chose me as your role model. But dear child of mine, because of this, I have fallen in my own eyes. Today, I’m going to lay down my past in front of you. I know, upon doing this, I will lose you but I don’t care about this. I can’t bear the weight of this lie anymore….
I was in the last year of my LLB when I was caught in heavy rains. To reach home early, I took a shortcut. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got mugged and raped. Somehow, I managed to handle myself and, in that broken state, I reached home. I could not dare to hurt my parents by telling them the truth. So I told them that my leg had slipped in the mud, and rushed to the bathroom. Yes, I was able to scrub myself of the blood stains, but my soul was tainted for life.
Depression had completely taken over me, both mentally and physically. I was so absorbed in my sorrow, that I decided I had no other alternative but to take my own life. It was with this intent that I went to the Sarayu River that day. In the serenity and silence of the nature around me, I spotted a gentleman, an artist, deeply immersed in his work. I thought it was best leave. But it was too late. He had already seen me. Eyeing me, he said. “Be careful! The waters are rather deep there."
“What is it to you?” I snapped back.
“You’re here to commit suicide, aren’t you?”
“So?”
He considered this for a moment. “Do you really think that there is no other way?”
“If there was, would I have
come here?”
“Well then, why don’t you tell me what has been bothering you so much? Perhaps I could help you. After all, there is no harm in trying one last time.”
I pondered over his words in silence. “Forgive me. I did not mean to hurt you. I only meant to say, that there is no problem big enough that you cannot live with.”
“You are trying to change my mind, aren’t you?”
He had me at a loss for words. This man, who I barely knew, had managed to gain my trust just like that. I confided in him. He became my pillar of strength, consoling me and promising to support me till the end. It was the start of a friendship of a lifetime.
Around the same time, I realized that I was pregnant and told Rajat of the same. Getting an abortion was the only option. However, the doctor denied opting for an abortion as it was too late. Rajat suggested me to get married to a suitable boy chosen for me by my parents. But that didn’t feel quite right to me. His superficial patronizing statements annoyed me and I snapped at him with anger. “Do not lie to make me feel better. Who is going to accept me in this condition? Will you marry me?”
“Who, me? No!”
“Exactly, no such ideal man exists! Nobody likes to invite trouble.”
“You’re misunderstanding me. I don't want to get married to anybody because I will not be able to provide the child with a father’s love that they’d deserve. I have lost the potential to do so in an unfortunate accident.”
“That doesn't really sound like a problem to me at all.”
“I do not believe in a marriage that is a result of helplessness. A marriage should be about love.”
“I love you Rajat. I wasn’t able to express my feelings because of the problems that I’ve been going through.”
Rajat agreed to get married to me after a lot of coaxing. Eventually, I became a mother. You must be shocked to know the history of your birth but, baby, children are God’s gifts—innocent and pure.
It is true that you were born under unusual circumstances but both, your father and I have loved you unconditionally. We’ve tried to give you every happiness in the world.
I went on to become a successful lawyer and Rajat had taken up the job of an art professor in a college. You had turned 10, but that did not stop your father from treating you like a baby. He would kiss you, make you sit on his lap. You would rush into his arms as soon as you would see him and the two of you would spend hours together, laughing and having a gala time. Looking at the growing bond between the two of you, I couldn’t stop serpentine thoughts of your father trying to fulfill his sexual needs by using you, his step-daughter, from clouding my mind.
I kept being busy with court work and cases. Rajat was the one who was with you most of the times.
My suspectful eyes and unusual behavior did not go unnoticed by Rajat. I hesitantly expressed my concern to my husband. It did not go down well with him. He felt insulted, packed his things and simply left! I hadn’t thought that he would react so impulsively.
I tried very hard to stop your father from leaving but he did not listen to me. I pacified you by telling you that your father had given up responsibility and left us.
After a few years, I got to know that your father had opened a training center in a faraway city. I am writing down his phone number and address. I know that you’ll try to contact him as soon as you receive my letter. I have spoken to him over the phone a lot of times. He does not hold any ill-feelings towards me. He has dedicated his entire life to the progress of art. If you wish to make anybody your role model in your life, it should be your father.
I am well aware that I will lose you once and forever when you read this letter. But I have no regrets. It becomes difficult to accept the loss of something that one has worked hard to achieve. I haven’t worked hard to achieve anything. In fact, the life that I’m leading at the moment is also a life that Rajat has given me.
I feel much lighter after writing to you. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes in life but I hope that you learn from them and do not make them in your life. My mistakes are unforgivable but I hope and pray that I become your role model in coming out clean and being honest about everything that I have done.
Lots of love,
Mom.
………………………………………………
Once she was done writing the letter, Shubhra immediately sealed it and posted it to her daughter. Seven days passed by and there was no response from Shikha. This made Shubhra very restless.
Shikha must have received my letter long back after which she must have immediately contacted her father. I’m sure that the father and daughter must have bonded after so long. Despite everything, why is it that I feel the need to gain a response from my daughter?
………………………………………………
Tring… tring… the doorbell rang, breaking Shubhra's train of thoughts. She got up and opened the door. As soon as she opened the door, Shikha hugged her tight. As startled as she was to see Shikha, she was also happy to have her daughter home.
“Hi mom. Good morning. I surprised you, didn’t I,” exclaimed Shikha. “Ruma, come in. This is my mother, my role model.”
Role model? What is this girl talking about? Has she not read my letter?” Shubhra was confused about her daughter’s casual behaviour.
“The bathroom is towards the left Ruma. Freshen up!”
“Shikha, have you received a letter from me as yet?”
“Yes mom. I have received it and I have read it entirely. I stick to my words. You are my role model! In the beginning, I was really upset with you and wanted to cut off all ties with you. I went to meet my father and cried to him about the past. I felt so frustrated and lost. However, he made me understand that nobody is perfect. He told me 'your mother is a strong woman. Yes, she has made mistakes, but keeping you safe was her priority'. He told me that we should forgive those who confess their sins and come out clean. You had the courage to do so mom, and I’m very proud of you. Every person has certain qualities that we should learn from and you’re my role model for the courageous woman that you are,” explained Shikha.
“If you can accept me with all my bad qualities, I can do the same, can’t I?” asked Shikha.
………………………………………………
Shubra was astounded by her daughter’s mature behavior. Moreover, she was taken aback by how perfect of a father, a husband and a person overall that Rajat was. “We all have faults but I cannot point out towards a single flaw in your father, Shikha. He’s a brilliant man,” said Shubhra.
“Yes, he is,” smiled Shikha, and both the mother and daughter nodded in agreement.
