In the course of a lifetime, every family goes through crises: a financial breakdown, an imbalance in relationships, differences of opinions, illness or death. Instead of allowing the events to take a negative toll, families should unite and tackle issues head-on, says Vandana Aggarwal
Stress is inevitable. It is a natural and normal result of activities in our daily life. Things happen, relationships flounder, financial or legal troubles loom, there is discontent at the workplace, people die or a family member faces a crisis—all of which affects the whole family.
When things get stressful
Stress occurs when our mind or body is faced with a situation that we are unable to cope with. The body releases hormones which warn us of impending trouble. It is up to us to be overwhelmed or use these signals to our advantage by employing the right techniques to overcome the situation. Stress is not completely bad—it can be motivating, help us test our limits, create greater bonds with family and friends and make our life a rich and stimulating experience. Relentless stress, however, leaves us with a feeling of helplessness and despair, and those around us exhausted. Are you in control of yourself or is stress controlling you? If you think your family is stressed, take steps to address the situation. Here are some of the things you can do to de-stress yourself.
Accept the situation
Often, the most difficult thing to do is to recognise the signs of undesirable changes or looming trouble in your life and accept the situation. Remember that certain things like death or sickness are out of your control. Neither can you control the mood of your boss nor can you control the stock market. However, there are some difficult situations that we create for ourselves. Over-spending and creating a financial crisis or falling into wrong company is entirely avoidable. Reduce the stressors that you have control over and mitigate what is beyond your control. Perfectionism, taking too much of your work and unreasonable expectations are needless add-ons to our lives. It is in our own hands to tackle and remove them.
avoid the blame game
The worst thing that you can do is to blame yourself or another family member for the state of affairs. Situations may be bad, people aren’t. Blaming will only make the situation worse. Marital woes or a failed relationship can take a heavy toll on you both physically and emotionally. Show support for the one who is suffering. Rather than blaming circumstances, take the onus and try to address the issue. If your smoking caused you to fall ill or aggravated your child’s asthma, take the blame and remedy the situation. Blaming others for your addiction is an exercise in futility.
Take stock
Figure out the stress triggers that are affecting you and your family and work towards resolving them. Manage your stress by taking charge of your thoughts, emotions, schedules and the way you look at and solve problems. Discuss your problems with the family. Be honest and upfront. Pretending that everything is fine when it’s not, will only lead to more stress. Explain why you are worried. Reassure them that you are working to solve the problem. Let the crisis bring out your collective strength to face the problem head on and bond together. Rework on your own expectations and priorities. A problem such as a tight financial situation will need the combined effort of every family member to understand why they need to be frugal and give the overseas holiday a miss in favour of a local outing.
Empathise with family
If a member of the family is stressed out, it will rub off on the entire family. Be understanding and supportive. That’s what families are for. Family members rally around each other in good times and bad. Create moments of togetherness and build up the confidence to tide over the crisis. A drug or alcohol addiction or falling exam grades need long-term support. Positive talk, being there, lowering expectations and unquestioned support can be wonderful stress-busters.
Reach out to people
No situation is hopeless. Hold hands with friends and well-wishers for guidance and to draw strength from their experiences. Sometimes talking and listening throws up solutions to problems and helps you identify the reasons for your stress or that of a family member better. When faced with a difficult situation, a strong support system will give you the emotional scaffolding to tide over the crisis. For all you know, you may receive a job reference from an unexpected source when you share your job woes or a well-wisher may take on the role of mentor and guide a rebellious family member. Go all out to look for guidance to get yourself and your family out of the dire situation. If your family problems are spiralling out of control, seeking professional help is the smart thing to do. A trained counsellor can guide your mind and actions and bring you back on track.
Set realistic goals
Just because the world and those around you are moving at a frantic pace doesn’t mean that you too have to. Social media relentlessly projects what appears to be, exciting, fairy tale lives of other families, that make you feel inadequate. Lead a calmer life and do things at a pace that works best for you. Have you over-committed, set your aspirations very high, failed to understand the difference between caring and worrying or given in to excessive demands? Don’t over-schedule or take too much on. Set your limits. ‘No’ is a very powerful word. Stop doing things that make you bitter or resentful. Teach yourself and your family the power of saying no in order to simplify your life and manage your stress.
Smile, exercise and meditate
Since stress seems to be pretty much unavoidable, do the next best thing—beat it. It’s important to ‘distract yourself’ by doing something you like instead of wallowing in dark thoughts and thinking negatively. Develop habits that help you relax and keep you occupied. Play board games with your family, go out for walks, listen to music and practise a healthy lifestyle to keep both mind and body calm. A tranquil mind will help you look at things in perspective and find sensible solutions. A distressful situation plays havoc with your health. Keep yourself healthy and stay rejuvenated through physical exercise, a healthy diet, being addiction-free and having a good night’s sleep.
Look for the positives
Uplift your mood by looking at the positives. The financial crisis that you are facing may be a life lesson in dealing with money for your kids. An elderly relative’s medical emergency may have been a timely reminder to buy insurance for the rest of the family or enrol for an annual health check-up. If stress is a by-product of family life, it is also an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and change with the changing circumstances.
Take one step at a time
Problems don’t resolve overnight. Count your blessings and celebrate the small successes. If your job is stressing you out, learn new skills that may help you in your workplace and develop better self-esteem. A good starting point for sorting out marital woes is having a frank conversation with your partner. If you are embroiled in legal troubles, they will take their own course and after hiring a good lawyer, all you can do is wait and watch. Brooding over it will not make things move faster. An improved exam result, a better health report, enhanced job prospects elevate the mood and make you feel in control. As long as goals are realistic, you will move towards them one baby step at a time.
Take the stress by its horns
Our response to stressful situations is to use either of the three Fs: Fight, Flight or Freeze. All three stem from an innate fear in our own ability to overcome the problem and are caused by anxiety. In a ‘fight’ mode, an agitated and emotional person may not be rational and constructive. When in ‘flight’ we are getting away from the situation, usually imagining that the problem doesn’t exist. ‘Freezing’ like a deer trapped in glaring headlights, we are in a panicked state, unable to move and take proper action. It may be effective in some matters but doesn’t work all the time. Go for the fourth F—Face the crisis. Unless you take your problems head on, you cannot solve them.
