When relationships get weighed against expectations, the chinks begin to appear and a perfectly good association goes kaput. Adopt the path of compromise to heal your relationships.
Two little words mess up most relationships. At least ninety percent of relationships run into trouble over these two deadly little words ‘should’ and ‘should not’. When you look at the way you think, you’ll find a lot more of your own. While applying our standards to other people, we must remember that they are not us and they don’t have to be like us. They have a right to be just who they are and if we can’t accept that, we are just hurting ourselves.
Changing Others
The need to change other people to suit our convenience is the one factor that messes up the maximum relationships. Why do we always feel the need to do this? Because we judge other people by our own standards and expect them to behave the way we do, knowing all the time that it was their differences that attracted us to them in the first place. Relationships often go sour this way. In the early stages, we delight in the other person, in their differences, in the uniqueness. At some point the ‘should’ and ‘should nots’ come in. Then we start thinking, I am like this, so he/she should be too. And from there, it is all downhill. The romance is gone, the joy fades and often, that is the end of the relationship. It is a deadly trap and we keep falling into it over and over again.
Interpreting incorrectly
How do you get out of this trap? By understanding that if you have the right to be who you are, so do other people. If you don’t apply your standards to others, relationships can be really fulfilling. When relationships work, it is because both parties accept the other person and do not try to change them. To find out where you are going wrong, look at the things that make you most angry. These are usually quite simple and common. They will be things like, ‘He always makes me angry when he comes late’. ‘I don’t think he cares for me’. Or ‘She didn’t call on my birthday till evening; I don’t think she cares’. Usually, we interpret very simple behaviour as if it is a lack of love and it is from there that the problems begin.
Control your anger
First, you need to stop expecting others to behave the way you want them to. Then, if there is a real problem, speak to them without anger. For example, if someone is always late and your response is, ‘Why do you always do this to me when you know I hate it?’ that will only aggravate the relationship.
However, if you put the anger out of it and simply think, ‘How can I solve the problem?’ you may find an easy way to solve it. You could give the other person an earlier time or decide the friendship is not worth it. Or you could tell them that on important occasions they are expected on time and you will accept a little leeway on other days.
Meeting halfway
In other words, you compromise. A compromise does not mean you bend over backwards to accommodate the other person and it does not mean you deny the entire problem and simmer year after year. It means you figure out how important the issue is and then you take a stand on the important issues and ignore the little ones. Don’t lay down the law, let the other person gain too. For example, if you say just be on time at important occasions, then you are both gaining something. If you say always be on time, you know it will not happen. A compromise does not mean giving in. If all you do is give in, then the anger and frustration will take its toll somewhere else in the relationship. A compromise means you give a little and the other person gives a little.
Respect the differences
I know very dissimilar people who are happily married for decades. They have kept the relationship going and getting stronger by giving each other space. One couple has completely opposite timings. The husband is a day person who likes to sleep early and wake up almost at dawn. The wife prefers late nights and late mornings. How do they sort it out? They agree that if it’s an important occasion, they will adjust their sleep. Otherwise, they just fix a time in the evening, when they could spend some moments together and accept each other’s sleep schedules. That marriage will last a lifetime.
So will every relationship that takes into consideration the fact that it takes two to make it work. That two personalities can come together without unfair expectations and resolve their differences. By keeping anger aside and not allowing oneself to be hurt over trivial things, you can, by concentrating on the harmonious elements in the relationship, heal it and prevent it from being destroyed. Revel in the variety, because that is the spice of life.
