Although not every man with secrets to keep will leave a trail behind, being observant about changing behavioural patterns might give you a clue and you need not be the last one to know. Aruna Rathod tells you how to deal with things before it becomes a threat to your relationship.
When Sheena Sippy (43) chanced upon her husband’s computer browsing history, she was shocked. She found many links to homosexual pornography sites. Initially, she thought it was just curiosity that took him there and ignored it, but a nagging thought remained in her mind. After about two weeks, she decided to check and found that he was regularly visiting these sites. Alarmed, she didn’t know
what to do.
In this context, Tina B. Tessina, PhD (aka Dr. Romance), psychotherapist and author of How To Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together explains, “Men tend to keep sexual secrets because they assume the woman would react badly to knowing how they really feel, or their real history.”
Most men are intrigued by homosexuality and since porn is easily accessible, they browse the internet for excitement. Besides porn of various types, there could be other ‘secrets’ in their life too. Tessina adds, “Men also keep financial secrets, especially if they have a drug, gambling or stock trading addiction, or if they don’t want the wife to know how much money they really make.”
In the case of Sheena, it’s imperative that she looks into her sex life and check if there is something amiss. In case, her partner has been avoiding sex with her, then she should have a straight talk with him about his curiosity for homosexuality.
While some ‘secrets’ can be serious, there are harmless secrets too. On the domestic front, after |a few years of marriage, women can be labelled as ‘nags’. So when men want to do something that will irritate their wives, they do it secretly. Saloni Sawnani, clinical psychologist, affirms, “Men tend to keep secrets from their wives because they hate getting nagged!”
When his secret-life goes out of control
While ‘secret’ behaviour may begin as a harmless indulgence, chances are it could become harmful when done in excess. Saloni says, “Harmless indulgences could be chatting with friends of either gender or socializing with them once in a while. It could also include alcohol or smoking outside of the house occasionally. Online activities could be playing online games or other net-based activities with secret profiles.”
Her advice is to be watchful and alert. In case your partner is taking out upto an hour a day as private secret “me” time to chat with friends, it would probably not have any significant impact on the marriage. “However if the ‘indulgent’ time starts increasing, it is going to impact the relationship. A casual friendship with a girl could soon become an emotional and/or physical relationship.Drinking alcohol every day can become an issue as well. Similarly, online gaming for extended periods or getting into online gambling and so forth are serious concerns,” she cautions.
Though marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix, cheating is usually emotionally devastating since the cheater has an ‘instant gratification’ mentality, and is just doing what feels good. Tessina explains, “He is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain.”
His justification could be his dissatisfaction with the relationship and hence transferring his affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to you about dissatisfaction, fearing a backlash.
How to keep indulgence in check
“One good way to know when to get snoopy and put your foot down is to judge the quality of your relationship with your spouse. If your husband is spending good quality time with you and the children, taking care of emotional and financial needs adequately, behaving responsibly around you, it would be a good idea to let go and not worry about his secret life,” Saloni advises.
However, if you can sense that he’s distant and always distracted when with you, always overworked to the point of never having time for you or your children, constantly on the phone/laptop, even at mealtimes till bedtime, your alarm bells need to go up. There can be weeks when such
a thing can happen because of genuine work pressure but it can’t be the pattern for months. “If there is a secret life that needs to be addressed and if it is genuine overwork, he needs to learn how to strike work-life balance. Either ways, it is alarm bell time,” adds Saloni.
In case you are in a relationship with a married man (who is promising to leave his wife for you) and find that he is having his ‘me’ time too often, be aware. “Cheaters cheat. That’s why it’s inadvisable to marry someone who was cheating in an affair with you—when you’re the spouse, you’ll get cheated on,” says Tessina.
There is another category of individuals who feel they are entitled to sex. “These men who feel entitled to sex any way they can get it, will always rationalize cheating, and just keep doing it. They don’t want to work on marital issues, or learn to keep intimacy alive with the same person. They get their jollies from illicit sex (cheating.)”
Dishonesty in relationships has been around for the longest. What may be different today is that we’re living in more urban settings, and people are more mobile—we don’t know who they are, who their families are, so we need to be more self-protective.
In case you have chanced upon evidence like a hefty credit card bill that is unexplained, chat history or repeated trips out of town without a reason, insist on an explanation. Politely yet firmly confront your husband, boyfriend or partner to find out what is going on. Timely intervention may help, or it may expose the truth about your partner. If the secret life is still being played out— it may be bitter to swallow but save you from more heartbreak later.
In case he is truly apologetic, and promises to change, give him a chance, or visit a couples therapist if you think it’s a relationship that has a future; but if it’s something is happening that doesn’t look good, move out of the relationship.
Five Signs He's Cheating On You:
- His habits change: Your partner who was always home on time, is suddenly (or gradually) coming home later. Or, he stops answering his phone, spends more money, or dresses better. He could also be wanting to get thinner, fitter and sporty.
- He brings ‘guilt gifts’: A man who never thought of flowers has suddenly started bringing them home.
- Extra bills: Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often indicators.
- He stops talking about what he’s doing at work. This may be a sign that he’s keeping a secret.
- Uninterested in sex: If he’s not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere.
