They may brag about their conquests or boast about their virility, but most men have secret sexual fears. Should you encounter any of these, know how to get your guy going again.
Your man may project himself as God’s answer to womankind and lead you to think that he is some sort of a sex God but the truth is that he may be hiding his worst fears from you. Right from the size of his penis to his holding capacity in bed, men have anxieties that prevent them from putting up a good show.
1. The fear of impotence
In all the sexual fears that men bear, ‘anxiety about impotence’ ranks first in order of prevalence. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence.
Where it originates: In 90 per cent cases of impotency, the cause is psychogenic. It is only in 10 per cent of cases that the cause is biological. There is no possible way a man can ‘will’ to have an erection. We cannot will to have saliva, tears or digestive juices flow either. These things happen on their own; they are natural.
Facing the fear: Indulge in foreplay without spectatoring at the organ, and the erection will happen on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get erection is a fundamental anxiety—the fear of being rejected. Be understanding and co-operative and your guy will get over the psychogenic impotence.
2. Fear of insatiable sexual demands
There is a wide variation of sexual needs among both women and men. The image of the insatiable woman is a creation of contemporary literature and movies, plus much of the rhetoric accompanying the woman’s liberation movement.
Where it originates: Today, women have achieved the freedom of knowing that their bodies are their own, and they need not give in to a man’s sexual demands, if they do not desire so. Only, very few men know that they too are under no such obligation.
Facing the fear: Learn to accept each other as equals, and realise that each has individual sexual needs. The fear to satisfy at all times will just evaporate.
3. Fear of losing self-control
Many men, who feel that they love their wives and care for their marital commitment, carry the fear of getting attracted to other women. It is physiologically natural for a man to get attracted to some women who fit into his criteria of sex appeal. Many men carry the guilt for such secret infatuations and fantasies. Many others fear that they may not be able to control themselves if they happen to be in an inviting situation.
Where it originates: Such fear stems from men’s doubts about their ability to be in charge of their sexual urges, if a tempting opportunity comes their way. The anxiety of losing their relationship with their wives haunts them every time they meet other attractive and sexy women. It becomes a constant struggle to balance their libidinous urges and their commitment in the marriage.
Facing the fear: Guys must realise that they are relating at a very superficial level of understanding and commitment. Infidelity is invariably the result of insincere and irresponsible attitudes towards the marital bond.
4. Fear of not being normal
Many men want to know if they resemble other men in their sexual behaviour. They also wonder whatever they do sexually is the accepted or the ‘normal’ way to have sex.
Where it originates: No man wants to be a lesser guy in any way. He wants to be sure that he’s doing everything right in bed, just the way others of his species do. He can’t imagine falling short.
Facing the fear: In this case, what should matter most is whether you are hurting yourself or your partner with your sexual behaviour. If both partners enjoy the act equally, it can’t be anything but right.
5. Fear that the partner may become interested in someone else
The domineering man, who believes he owns his woman, does not want to lose her to anyone else. He constantly feels that her infidelity is just a matter of the right opportunity. It is the wound of his own inadequacy that makes him suffer this fear.
Where it originates: It comes from the feeling of possessiveness, so much a part of the male mentality, and the jealousy which proceeds inevitably from this feeling. It can cause endless suffering and aggression.
Facing the fear: It is necessary to change the perspective of this man. If you understand this and work silently to reassure him, there will be a better chance for a happy and lasting relationship. It’s best not to respond to his jealousy with anger, aggression and exasperation.
6. Fear of premature ejaculation
Most of the times, the cause of premature ejaculation is psychogenic. This problem is seen in men of all ages. What’s worse, the anxiety over possible repetition often becomes another self-fulfilling prophecy.
Where it originates: The brain gets the signal that release is imminent, but for various emotional reasons, the normal inhibiting mechanism fails. Some men try to slow things down by using anaesthetic sprays or creams, tranquillisers, elastic bands, or double condoms, none of which help the anxiety, which is the overriding issue here.
Facing the fear: The practice of yogic exercises like ‘Ashvini Mudra’ and ‘Vajroli Mudra’ helps gain good sphincter control. However, the main culprit remains unresolved. With your empathy and cooperation, you and your partner can analyse the difficulty, pinpoint the psychic element, and then learn to exercise control.
7. Fear of ‘small’ size of penis
Large numbers of men carry the complex of small penile size. The size is invariably thought to be the parameter for one’s manliness and one’s ability to satisfy his partner. First of all, a woman’s satisfaction does not depend on the size of the penis. On the contrary, too big a penis can be a problem; in that case, it could hurt the partner. The fact is that only the outer one-third of the woman’s vagina (approximately 3 - 5 cm) is sensitive to sexual stimuli. So, it doesn’t matter to a woman how deep one reaches during the intercourse. If an erect penis has a size of 5 cm, which everyone has, it is enough for a man to satisfy his woman. It is not the size, but what the guy does with what he has, that truly counts.
Where it originates: A common, mistaken belief that a flaccid penis gains in size proportionately when it gets erect, causes this fear. The fact is, though all the penises are different in their flaccid state, they become much more similar in size than when they get erect. Also, a guy tends to find his penis small as it is always seen from above—a wrong angle to judge the length—as against that of others, which is observed from one side or from the front.
Facing the fear: Respond to such sexual fears with mature self-understanding and co-operation. This is the first and the most important step. Often, nothing more may be required. If, however, the fears persist, seek professional help.
