In the race to please your partner, are you inadvertently committing some sex mistakes that are dampening your activity in bed? Namrata D’souza throws light on the commonest sex mistakes that can bring your sex life to a complete halt
Do you turn away with a disappointed look on your face when your friends exchange notes about their private sex lives, because you have nothing significant to talk about? And do you almost always end up blaming your partner for it? Well, ‘It takes two to tango’. Sex involves the equal contribution of two individuals’ bodies and minds. Believe it or not, there are some common mistakes women make in bed. Check them out and correct yours.
Sex mistake #1
I’m only a mom now
Have you traded your glam look for the role of ‘mommy 24x7’? The commonest misconception that women love to believe is that to gain the title of being a mother, the other aspects of their life need to disappear. Yes, being a good mother should definitely be right up there on your priority list. But at the same time, let your partner know that you can also be a hot mom. Balancing your sex life and motherhood is possible if you apply the same amount of enthusiasm in both the spheres. Happy parents make happy families.
Points to remember: Dr Rajan Bhonsle, Consulting Sex Therapist and Counsellor, says, “Childbirth and post-pregnancy care is a crucial time. The husband must understand that he cannot expect his wife to get back to the old lifestyle overnight. Being a new mother, there are various changes taking place in her body due to which her arousal hormones are not available immediately. After a period of time, the wife needs to understand that she has a life partner too. She should not miss out on enjoying those intimate moments with her man after being a mother.” It is also important for the husbands to go all out praising their wife’s beautiful body and let her inhibitions surrounding her pregnancy weight fade away. Women, remember, you can be sexy at any age and any time.
Sex mistake #2
‘You are the reason I don’t climax’
Does this sound like a familiar accusation you throw at your husband/partner? If you’re still wondering why and how this could be a mistake, you need to understand that your pleasure is your responsibility. Like any other relationship, you need to explore, be the best judge in knowing what suits you best and convey it to your partner too. Let him know what gets you excited. There has to be a dropping down of the curtain behind which your fantasies are hidden. Only then can you truly enjoy a blissful sex life.
Points to remember: “Orgasm is not something that is given. This is only a myth. It’s you who needs to facilitate your climax. Blaming your partner will only lead to further dampening of your sex life. You need to explore and guide your man along the way. If you leave it entirely to him, the standard process may not be to your liking and is sure to leave you disappointed,” adds Dr Bhonsle.
Sex mistake #3
Dressing up feels tedious now
At one time, you’d enthusiastically deck up for the office dinner or a family gathering. Now that
you are married, dressing up for yourself has taken a back seat. If this sounds true to you, then it definitely won’t do any good during those romantic moments you’re spending with your man. This is not only because you need to show your partner that you still look gorgeous but also to keep that feminine streak alive in you. When you feel good about dressing up and looking pretty, it automatically translates into greater confidence in bed with your partner. How are you going to enjoy those intimate moments if you don’t even feel it? Never ever think dressing up is tedious when the opposite could work wonders for your sex life.
Points to remember: “Individuality does matter. It really depends from one woman to another as to how enthusiastic she is when it comes to taking those efforts to dress up. However, it is important for the husband to keep her enthusiastic too. If your partner stops complimenting you, naturally you will lose interest in looking good for him. So here, it is the responsibility of both the partners to ensure that they maintain the enthusiasm and interest so their sex life doesn’t become drab,” says Dr Bhonsle.
Sex mistake #4
Getting dirty is bad
‘Actions speaking louder than words’ should definitely be your way of life, especially when it comes to sex. There’s no rule that you can’t get talking dirty once in a while. Women often falter in their belief that talking dirty may reflect that they have a ‘bad character’. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun and not a chore you look at disinterestedly. And talking dirty is just to take flirting a notch higher. It increases the anticipation between the two partners; so simply shutting yourself away from it might lead to sex becoming just that – a chore.
Point to remember: Dr Bhonsle adds, “Many women do not prefer to indulge in dirty talking as that is how they are trained to think and the base of this issue does lie in the conditioning they receive since childhood. However, talking dirty isn’t harmful at all. If both are comfortable with it, it can actually turn into a lot of fun for the couple.”
Sex mistake #5
I have to be disciplined in bed
Perfection in life is necessary but overdoing anything is bound to create problems. You want to enjoy a wonderful sex life! But if you keep finding flaws in every move that your partner makes, you can kiss the happy times in bed goodbye. You may be telling this to let him know what pleases you, but avoid adopting a critical approach as it won’t cut any ice here. Gentleness—not only in touch but with words too—is what one needs to take adequate care of during sex.
Points to remember: “Again if the woman believes that her partner’s moves are what will give her pleasure she will always be disappointed. A couple needs to discover and explore together what pleases both of them and this needs to be done gently. Overt criticism could disrupt the relationship,” says Dr Bhonsle.
Sex mistake #6
The porn movie showed…
It’s not just men who get addicted to falling prey to the fantasies shown in ‘porn films’ but women too. They get into relationships expecting all of what they see in porn movies in their real life too. Also, they inadvertently keep saying, ‘But in the movie I saw, it was done that way…’ or ‘The actor in the movie did this…’ Well, porn is fine but only in movies. Real life is different and there’s no point in connecting the two.
Points to remember: Dr Bhonsle strongly agrees that life just isn’t a ‘blue film’. “Women have to realise that a porn movie is highly fabricated and the comparison with the porn stars would do nothing to revive your relationship. If there are any issues with sex, they need to talk about it openly and not use porn as a resort,” he says.
