It’s one thing to be in love and quite another to have a lasting, harmonious, healthy relationship
with your partner. Chitra Jha offers some valuable insights into nurturing, strengthening and cherishing the most important bond of your life
Every woman dreams of a fairy tale relationship with her man and such tales do come true in our life—albeit for a short while. As soon as the heady romance abates, the fairy mask begins to slip and the relationship takes a nosedive. However, we do see couples, who have an amazing relationship even decades into their marriage. What is their secret? How do they sustain love? How can we have an amazing relationship? Here are some time-tested ways to strengthen your love.
Learn your partner’s love language
While we all may speak the same language, each person also has a unique love-language or a personal language of love. This language is learnt over a period of time, from our parents, prevalent cultural mores, peers, books and movies. And since each person grows up in a different environment, each person learns a different love language. Now, the interesting part is that we ‘feel’ loved only when our partner expresses love in the language that we understand. When our loved one doesn’t know our love language, a communication gap gets created, which harms the relationship.
In order to have an amazing relationship with your man, you need to understand each other’s love language and communicate love in that language. A simple way to do this is by making a list of all the things that make you feel loved and asking your man to make a list of what makes him feel loved. Share these lists with each other, learn your partner’s love-language and take appropriate actions to make your partner feel loved—in his own language.
Always put your partner first
A couple is not isolated from the rest of the world, especially their larger families, circle of friends and colleagues. However, in a happy partnership, your partner must always come first in your affection. If you accord preferential treatment to anyone— whether children, parents, relatives or friends—at the cost of your mate, it is bound to undermine your relationship. Put one another first in how you spend your time, money, energy and attention. Drop everything—however important—when your partner needs you. Let your partner be the first one to know everything—good or bad—happening in your life.
Express and fulfil unmet, innermost needs
People in love get hurt easily. Some people swallow their hurts, but eventually the accumulated hurts get expressed as anger, violence or depression—and harm the relationship. Some people express their hurts and expect the partner to be sorry and repentant. And if that doesn’t happen, they either choose ways to hurt the partner (you hurt me—I hurt you paradigm) or play the victim (tell all and sundry about their hurts). This doesn’t help the relationship either. In an ideal relationship, partners sit together and honestly express what makes them feel hurt and why. They look into each other’s inner unmet needs, without making the other person feel that s/he is supposed to fulfil all the needs immediately, for such pressure tactics usually backfire, making the partner don an emotional armour and retreat into his shell—causing more hurt in the process and harming the relationship. An amazing partner appreciates the other person’s inner needs and tries to fulfil them as much as possible, with honesty and integrity. Be such a partner to your mate.
Don’t avoid conflicts; grow through them
A relationship is not real until the first fight happens. All disagreements, conflicts, disappointments and upsets with each other, are merely a test of the relationship. When these are handled well, to both partners’ satisfaction, the relationship deepens and becomes solid. Until both the partners can communicate something important— even if it is unpleasant—to one another, the relationship remains on the surface and partners continue to walk on eggshells all the time, wondering if something they may say or do will annoy the other person. When both partners can say something that seems like criticism but comes from the deepest place of love, the relationship becomes real. Good partners hear one another with understanding and acceptance, even when the other person is saying something hurtful. They know that unless their communication with each other is completely honest, it won’t move beyond the acquaintance level. They use conflicts to understand each other better. At the same time, their communication demonstrates mutual kindness. They show that they genuinely care for each other. Their track record of consistent kindness in word and deed makes the relationship amazing. Be such a partner.
Be a confidant
Until both partners can become each other’s confidants and can communicate something that requires immense trust, their relationship remains trivial. If they share only public information or mere trivia with each other, they stay at an arm’s length from each other. Best relationships are forged when the partners rely on one another to keep their word, show up when needed and maintain confidences. It happens when they can reveal their most intimate thoughts and feelings to each other, knowing that they will be heard, understood and accepted—no matter what. Be such a partner.
Add dollops of fun to your togetherness
A beautiful relationship thrives on a huge dose of love, fun, and affection, where the partners think of ways to make each other happy more often. Find things that you both enjoy doing together and do them on a regular basis. For example, you may take walks together, or soak together in a relaxing bath, or rub lotion on each other’s body, or dance to your favourite music. Remember that the loving intention behind your action is as important as the action itself. Good partners are like friends who like each other for who they are and what they do; who enjoy spending time with each other— simply hanging out and doing everyday things together; who look forward to attending special events and going on vacations together; and who want to share everything that is happening in each other’s life. Be such a companion to your partner.
Enjoy micro-moments of connectivity
Relationships become amazing when the partners can’t keep their hands and eyes off one another; when they hug and kiss each other every time they meet or depart; when they hold hands frequently to keep their energies connected; when they enjoy cuddling in and out of bed; when they stand or sit next to each other in a group setting or frequently check in with one another by looking across the room and catching the eye. Nurture your partner through kisses, hugs and caresses as there really is no better tonic for the health of a relationship. Know that the longer the love is shared, the deeper it grows and that good sex is merely an icing on the cake of a beautiful relationship. Understand that apart from good sex, love is also about kind words, thoughtful gifts, spontaneous acts of service and devotion, and sharing of quality time and space. Show care, compassion and concern for your partner’s happiness and well-being. Shower each other with love and kindness. Honour and value your relationship and your partner.
Share a common vision
When you share a common and merged vision with your partner—communicating its importance openly, and taking daily steps to strengthen and support this vision, you will tend to spend maximum time, energy and resources with each other—and that will strengthen your relationship. In case some of your dreams differ from those of your partner, remain open-minded and openhearted enough to support them, as if they are your own.
Be willing to make it work
A romantic relationship is always more challenging than any other relationship, because while falling in love is easy, staying in love takes a lot of ‘work’. Be willing to work through your own ‘stuff’ when things get messy between you—as they will from time to time. Remember that flexibility, integrity, willingness and trust are important ingredients of a happy relationship. Best relationships happen when the mates function as a synergetic team, where each partner feels supported and knows that they are not alone but have someone they can absolutely count on.
Take care of your relationship with yourself
Finally, your relationship with your partner is merely a reflection of your relationship with yourself. How you care for and respond to your own body, mind and emotions influences how you care for and respond to your partner. If you cannot love yourself, it is difficult for you to give and receive love. When you become the best that you are capable of becoming you have the most rocking relationship with your mate. So, take care of yourself and avoid pursuits that drain your energy. Don’t put undue pressure on your partner to make you happy, for your happiness is your personal responsibility. Remember, amazing relationships are a rare and precious gift that each partner gives to one another… no other Valentine Day gift can match this—year after year after year.
The author is a life skills coach, corporate trainer and verbal ability instructor.
