There are some rules you never break as a parent, because they’ve stood the test of time and are handy when dealing with the diverse demands of parenting. Kiran Manral lists 10 awesome tips that help you sail through both the tough and the tender times
It’s a completely new generation of kids out there, and as parents, you need a completely new set of skills to deal with them. No longer is it enough to just be the “Because I said so” kind of parent that we all grew up with. The need of the current generation is a parent who is democratic, a friend who a child can look up to for both authority and understanding. The children of this generation need new skill sets to face challenges that we never ever faced as children, therefore, parenting skills also require a sea change. What are the golden commandments parents need to bring up children today?
Be a role model
Your child is watching you and is basing his or her behaviour on what he or she observes you doing. Behave the way you would like them to behave as adults. Setting a positive role model is the best gift you could give your child. There is no use telling your child to be hardworking and industrious when you yourself laze around all day, or to never tell lies when your child sees you lying through your teeth even for little things. Says Renuka Shahane, mother of two boys, aged 8 and 6, “There is no abusive language in our house. We ensure our language is what we would like our children to learn from.”
Show your child that you love them
You can never give your child enough love. Whether it is hugging, cuddling or kissing your child or simply telling your child that you love him or her, it does wonders to boost a child’s sel-esteem to feel loved and wanted. Loving a child unconditionally makes a child grow up secure and assured. “I would like to think I am my daughter’s best friend,” says Raveena Tandon, who has a young son and a daughter. “I would like her to tell me anything and everything and know that I won’t judge her and will not be upset with her.”
Be involved
It takes time and effort but you need to be involved in all aspects of your child’s life, which means knowing everything about your child’s day. Rearrange your life to fit in enough time with your child. Keep aside what you might want to do in order to spend time with your child. Being genuinely involved in your child’s life will help you build a long-term bond with your child. Says Renuka, “Even if I am not with them, I ask them about what happened while they were down playing. I trust them and tell them they can tell me anything.”
Be the adult
Set the rules, the boundaries, and don’t let the child get away with anything he or she shouldn’t. You need to know what your child is doing and who your child is with at any point of the day or night. Your child should know that he or she is answerable to you for his or her time and actions and should know how to control their behaviour accordingly. Says Pooja Bedi, “Values towards money, education, etc. are non-negotiables. One month before the exams, all extra-curricular activities are stopped and they have to focus only on their studies.”
Make your child independent
Don’t micromanage your child’s life. Keep setting limits of things the child can do on his own, and keep extending the boundaries as the child’s confidence grows. Being independent helps the child be self-confident and gain a sense of control about his or her life. Knowing how to handle himself or herself gives a child good life skills.
Parent according to your child’s life stage
You will obviously not parent a toddler the same way that you parent a teenager. Your parenting has to change constantly as your child grows and gets different aims and motivations. Says Pooja Bedi, who has a son and a daughter, “My philosophy as a parent is to expose the child to everything sports, art, philosophy, culture and let them absorb and choose what interests them rather than deciding for them what they should do. Also, there is no compromise on grades and academic achievement,” she adds. “For instance, when they were younger, I might just tell them what they’re not supposed to do. As they get older, I explain things in detail to make them aware and informed.”
Keep your rules consistent
If you set a ‘no’ rule today, you can’t suddenly change the same to a ‘yes’ rule the next day. That trains a child to keep whining and trying his or her luck depending on what your mood for the day is. Children get confused by inconsistent discipline. “We have certain rules that the kids have to follow no matter what,” says Renuka. “No taking things from strangers for instance and no secrets from us are blanket rules that our children know they must follow,” she adds.
Avoid physical discipline
Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more likely to be aggressive, difficult to control or fight with other kids. Also, such a child is more likely to use aggression to solve disputes rather than learn negotiation and conflict resolution.
Explain your decisions
Telling your child why something is allowed or disallowed gives the child a perspective from your point of view which he or she might not have. A child does not have the life experience that you have and cannot understand why you have set down certain rules and norms.
Respect your child
Treat your child with the same respect as you would treat a grown person; respect his or her opinions, listen to what they’re saying. “Always keep lines of communication open with your child, pay attention to the child’s needs and wants and develop a bond with your child,” says Pooja. Think of your child as a person with his or her own rights, needs and wants, and need for respect that you would give an adult. Only when you give respect do you get respect; you cannot demand respect from this generation of kids.
